Thursday, October 1, 2009

a new turn on the rollercoaster

Today I feel like I'm waking up from a hazy nightmare.

For the past two and a half months I've felt like I've been asleep and wandering through a nightmare fog that clung like cold, miserable mist no matter where I was or what I was doing.

Today I feel awake - and not just awake but clearheaded - like the weight of grief has lifted ever so slightly - enough to give me some energy to focus on something other than pain and fear and sadness.

I picked up my camera today. Even though Mother Nature seems to have decided that since she skipped right by summer around these parts she might as well continue the trend and bypass the blaze of autumn brightness and colour and head straight into dull, damp pre-snow gloom, I picked up my camera because I saw something worth capturing in the world.

I looked at recipes today. I went to the market and got excited by the harvest and thought about the joy I got from cooking just a few months ago and it suddenly seemed possible again. I found a meal that I am excited to prepare and maybe even to eat.

I wrote a post today and hey! I even wrote one yesterday.

I don't think that it's going to be smooth sailing and I'll admit there's even some guilt at starting to experience moments of recovery from the all encompassing, crushing grief - how can I find joy in anything without my mother to share it with? I won't be surprised if I don't feel this good tomorrow.

But at least I'll remember that it's possible.

p.s. I'll let you know how the recipe works out.


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