I am at the point these last few days where I can rationally work through the reality that my mother is gone.
When I focus on that idea I can work it through to it's logical end and accept that all we have are our memories of Her. Luckily for us those memories are so full of Her incredible, indestructible spirit that they will not easily be lost.
And then I lie in bed and close my eyes.
That's when the instinctual part of my brain makes itself heard and reverberating through my mind, through my whole body as I begin to shake and the tears begin to roll, is that She cannot possibly be gone.
It seems exactly that, a complete impossibility. How can the world keep turning, the sun keep rising? How can I keep breathing?
It is difficult to explain the sensation of knowing something so clearly in the rational part of your mind while at the same time your instincts are telling you, insisting, the exact opposite.
The irrational mind is the one that ultimately still rings true to me right now. I was never very logical to begin with. The death of the most incredible human being I have ever known at too young an age, with too much left to do, is just too cruel for me to comprehend.
I am learning to accept that she's not coming home.
I can't countenance that She is gone from this world.
This new rational and logical reality makes no sense to me.