where have all the forks gone?

(to the tune of "Where Have all the Flowers Gone?")
"Where have all the big forks gone?
Long tines missing,
Where have all the big forks gone?
Long tines, so long."

I fell asleep singing that last night.

You know how individual socks go missing from the dryer when you are absolutely positive you deposited even numbered pairs?

Yeah well, I think my dryer and dishwasher have been chatting and hatching plans together.

'Cause suddenly all but about 5 of the big forks in the house are missing!

The appliances are in cahoots dammit!

Or maybe it's some sort of evil cleaning related fairy messing with me.

I'm sure it's extra amusing now that I am the lone female in the house fighting a losing housekeeping battle against 2 men, 3 cats and 2 dogs.

Or, maybe it's Mom and she's up there laughing her ass off because now I'm the one who has to worry about these things. I know she was laughing last weekend when I was freaking out about the impending visit from my Aunt and Uncle.

For me the fastest way to Mom's good graces was always to clean a bathroom or sweep the floor. After a lifetime of being the only girl with 7 brothers and then a doting Mom to 2 lazy ass kids, she appreciated nothing more than someone else doing the cleaning for her. It always drove her nuts that the rest of us didn't appreciate how much work it took to keep the place tidy - especially with all the pets we kept bringing home!

So, I'm absolutely certain that she is taking great pleasure in watching me in the role of head housekeeper these days.

And really, I completely went mental last week getting ready for our first visit from family. I had this whole, "I don't want anyone thinking we can't take care of the house without Mom" thing going on and I was running around like a madwoman trying to make everything perfect.

Yes, I do know how neurotic that sounds. I know no one, especially not those who came to visit, are judging us. Still, I embrace neurosis. And besides, the house is clean for a change, so it worked!

My point is this:

Where the F*#k are all the goddam forks?

Oh, and while we're at it, we seem to be missing a few glasses.

And the socks! What about the socks?

Yes Mom, I hear you giggling.