I came home from my holiday feeling refreshed and invigorated.

I am desperately trying to hold on to those feelings but they seem to be slipping through my fingers. 

I'm sliding back into the cycle of grief, guilt and anxiety.

I am sleeping my days away to escape facing reality. I am feeling physically ill and yet I can clearly recall how healthy I felt in the sun and heat of Cuba.

This is not to say that the vacation was not helpful. It gave me time to realize how I might help myself.

One thing I realized on this vacation - it's time for some therapy.

I have no on/off switch on my anxiety. I don't sleep well at night because my mind is whirring away with random thoughts and worries. As a result I'm not fully awake during the day and so I cannot get anything accomplished. And all the while, through every 24 hour period I am in a low state of panic and strangling guilt.

5 months (155 days)

I woke up today feeling more than a little odd, and not just because it's now 5 months since Mom passed.

I'm pretty sure I forgot to take my - lovingly referred to by SeaBass as - "crazy pills" yesterday. This tends to leave me wandering aimlessly through a day of dizziness, fogginess and general lack of focus.

Oh, and also extremely emotionally unbalanced.

SeaBass will usually be the one to first realize that I've perhaps forgotten to pop my pills. This typically occurs very shortly after I've laughed hysterically with him, screamed at him, broke down sobbing, and then attacked him physically...in the course of about 5 minutes.

Then, when I am reduced to babbling through tears once more, begging for forgiveness for slapping him and asking the universe to explain to me what the hell is wrong with me; SeaBass will quietly and gently ask if it's possible that I perhaps forgot a part of my morning routine in the last day or so.

When you combine this pharmaceutically induced haziness with the anniversary of Mom's death you're pretty much looking at one hell of a day.

I haven't broken down bawling (yet) but I've looked at everything today through a haze of tears that has remained under control but ready to burst into a cascade down my cheeks.

I am alone today. That helps. I can breathe when I'm alone. I can focus. I can turn away when I need to. I can be weak. I can drop to the floor. I can crumple in a heap. I can laugh. I can kick things. I can punch the wall. I can stare into space and beg to go back 155 days and save Her. I can admit that I'm not sure what the point is. I can sob as loud and as hard as I need to and wait to feel the comfort of my Mother's arms. I can know that I will never feel them again. 

I can hold steady through all of that and regather my strength. I know I can do that because my Mother gave me that ability and I know that while I won't ever feel her arms around me again I won't ever forget the feeling of them either. 

And that's all I need to get through one more day.

But seriously...it would be a whole lot easier if I could just remember to take my crazy pills!

chorizo and butternut squash pasta

I have an addictive personality, it's part of the whole bi-polar thing.

I become addicted to one thing after another without even knowing it's happening until I'm within inches of hitting rock bottom.

In the past it's been different drugs, alcohol, smoking, shopping, I could go on.

The interesting thing to me is that I eventually do notice what's happening, always just before it goes too far. At that point I tend to play a little game of russian roulette with myself.

I observe myself in the addiction for a little while so that I can analyze my own insanity. Then when things start getting a little too crazy I decide to put my foot down and I quit the addiction cold turkey.

I've become a master at playing out this pattern.

I'd like to think that I'm done with the self destructive addictions. You can only aim a gun at your own head so many times before you run out of chances and, well, you know what happens.

So I found a constructive release for my addictive tendencies. It's called cooking.

I cook the way I used to use drugs.

I become obsessed with an ingredient, a style of cooking, a particular dish and I go with it until one of two things happens:

I get bored and move on to the next thing

Or, slightly more dramatically, those forced to eat my food on a daily basis beg me to stop, refuse to let me buy any more of the ingredient and hide what I have left in the house.

I'm still not allowed to use bacon goddamit!

Which is a shame because I'd really like to use some bacon with my latest addiction, butternut squash....so I decided to maneuver my way around that by using other yummy pork stuffs.


This pasta is my take on a Mario Batali recipe from Food and Wine a couple of years ago. The original is great but I really wanted to add another level of flavour with the chorizo sausage.

The dish is really about the flavours of the squash and sausage. It is not overwhelmed by a huge amount of pasta.

2 tbsp. olive oil
1 tsp red chili flakes
1 medium sweet onion chopped
2 cloves garlic minced
*1 chorizo sausage cut in slices
1 medium butternut squash peeled and diced in small cubes
1 tsp. chopped fresh thyme (or equivalent dried)
**8 oz. cavatelli pasta (cooked to al dente) (reserve the pasta water)
1/4 cup of parmigiano or pecorino cheese grated (I used a mixture)

* I used a sweet chorizo and added spice with the chili flakes.
** If you can't find cavatelli (I got excited when my grocery store actually had it for once!) just use a small but hearty pasta that will hold up to the chunky ingredients.

Heat olive oil and chili flakes.
Add chorizo and saute until the sausage begins to release it's oils.
Add onion and garlic and saute until softened (a few minutes).
Season with s&p.
Add squash and stir mixture together.
Add chopped thyme.
Saute mixture for 5 minutes or so uncovered.

At this point put your pasta water on to boil.
Continue to saute your squash mixture covered for 5 minutes.
Check the squash for firmness.
You want the squash to be tender but still hold it's shape.
When the squash is tender transfer to a large serving bowl.
Add your cooked pasta to the squash.
Mix everything together with your cheese.
Add some of the reserved pasta water to loosen the mixture if you want.
Serve with more grated cheese over top.

Honesty

Here's something I haven't had the balls to mention here yet; I have been dealing with diagnosed bipolar disorder for the past 11 or 12 years.

The word "diagnosed" is important here because I have memories of being depressed as early as elementary school.

In my real life I have no problem talking about my diagnosis, my treatment, my path to where I am now; but here I felt like I had to keep it secret because I know that my Mother was was always just that bit embarrassed when I started talking about my struggles.

For some reason She didn't think it was an appropriate topic of casual conversation at a family gathering, or a social event, or when we randomly ran into acquaintances we hadn't seen in years on the street, or in the mall or the grocery store or...well you get the idea.

Besides Bipolar Disorder I also suffer from the lack of a filter for my diarrhea of the mouth.

I've never felt ashamed of this though.

Well maybe not never, I suppose there are some people in my life (former bosses, university professors, store clerks, my favourite local farmer, the egg man) who didn't need to know EVERYTHING about my issues.

My ability to be totally candid is something I'm sorta proud of. So, from this moment on I'll share it with you all.