When you are in a situation such as mine; that is, living in your parents' home in the wake of the loss of your mother -
Always keeping in mind of course that there is a good chance that I'm the only one in the history of mankind with strong enough self destructive tendencies to put themselves in such a precarious position -
What is your duty when decorating for the holidays?
In general we, as a family, have decided to be low key this year. We don't want to avoid the holiday all together -
Although it definitely wouldn't be difficult. It's not that I'm feeling hostile towards the holidays or saddened by them or any other emotion really. There is just an incredible numbness about the whole thing. It's like I'm behind glass that nothing can penetrate.
So, Dad and I discussed less decorating (I can't think of anything sadder than a house full of Christmas paraphernalia and no Christmas spirit), no presents and a general sense of just getting through this one.
My father has referred to the question of a tree for weeks now as "my tree;" asking if will be getting one and insisting that he has nothing to do with Christmas trees in general or any tree I procure for the house in specific.
At the same time Dad monitored my movements closely yesterday as I retrieved the Christmas decorations from their storage place and was quick to note that there seemed to be fewer boxes than in normal years (please refer back to my earlier mention of the repeated discussions of engaging in less decorating than in normal years...and my father's apparent agreement with said plan.) And is now generally hovering over my every activity and questioning my plans for decorating.
What is my role here?
My mother was the spirit of Christmas in this house. I cannot and will not attempt to take on that role - especially not this year. I'm just trying to get by like everybody else. I know that Dad is too.
Maybe I'm asking for a Christmas miracle here, but does anyone have any advice for how to navigate this situation? How do I get myself through this holiday, do only as much as I can and still make my father happy?