Tuesday, December 15, 2009

5 months (155 days)

I woke up today feeling more than a little odd, and not just because it's now 5 months since Mom passed.

I'm pretty sure I forgot to take my - lovingly referred to by SeaBass as - "crazy pills" yesterday. This tends to leave me wandering aimlessly through a day of dizziness, fogginess and general lack of focus.

Oh, and also extremely emotionally unbalanced.

SeaBass will usually be the one to first realize that I've perhaps forgotten to pop my pills. This typically occurs very shortly after I've laughed hysterically with him, screamed at him, broke down sobbing, and then attacked him physically...in the course of about 5 minutes.

Then, when I am reduced to babbling through tears once more, begging for forgiveness for slapping him and asking the universe to explain to me what the hell is wrong with me; SeaBass will quietly and gently ask if it's possible that I perhaps forgot a part of my morning routine in the last day or so.

When you combine this pharmaceutically induced haziness with the anniversary of Mom's death you're pretty much looking at one hell of a day.

I haven't broken down bawling (yet) but I've looked at everything today through a haze of tears that has remained under control but ready to burst into a cascade down my cheeks.

I am alone today. That helps. I can breathe when I'm alone. I can focus. I can turn away when I need to. I can be weak. I can drop to the floor. I can crumple in a heap. I can laugh. I can kick things. I can punch the wall. I can stare into space and beg to go back 155 days and save Her. I can admit that I'm not sure what the point is. I can sob as loud and as hard as I need to and wait to feel the comfort of my Mother's arms. I can know that I will never feel them again. 

I can hold steady through all of that and regather my strength. I know I can do that because my Mother gave me that ability and I know that while I won't ever feel her arms around me again I won't ever forget the feeling of them either. 

And that's all I need to get through one more day.

But seriously...it would be a whole lot easier if I could just remember to take my crazy pills!


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