Wednesday, May 19, 2010

10 months and 4 days (300 days)

I feel more mixed up, turned around, sad, angry, guilty, distraught this month than I have in the last few.

Just when I thought the roller coaster was coming to a stop I've taken another sharp turn around another blind corner and I have no idea where I'm headed. 

The closer we come to a year the more frightened of a future without my Mother I become and the more angry that I have to contemplate one at all.

I'm also finding myself panicking as I see what I perceive to be signs of other people putting their lives back together. It feels like an insult to Mom, it feels wrong and my anger builds some more.

There are so many emotions swirling around in my head these days that I can't focus on anything.

It's like starting all over again.

5 comments:

upnorth said...

I remember feeling the same way, but time does help! Turn the angry around and make something positive out it! I remember being so angry with my mom for dying! I was angry with God for taking her, but realized He had no control over her dying, life did! It was her time and she knew it! Plant something extra in the garden that only she would love, take up baking some new dish and name it after her, just do some thing positive!! These are the things I did and it helped me!

Anonymous said...

Over a year ago, my husband abandoned me and my baby of 9 months old. We had no were to live and no means of survival. I was so sad, I grieved for almost a year until I developed pancreatitis. My case was so severe that doctors said that I was not going to make it. I started praying and asking God to heal me and give me a miracle. It's been almost 2 months and I not only survived but stopped having pain. Now, my main focus is not on trying to restore my relationship with my husband,who wants nothing to do with us,but on my baby who is almost 2 years old and I am planning to go on to graduate school.
Grieving through a loss is normal but think would your mom approve that you're loosing yourself, your focus and your life? She wants you to focus on yourself and SeaBass. He loves you dearly and you might loose him. He might leave you if you continue to ignore him. Then you'll be so devastated and lonely, just imagine. You need to start to focus now and start to live and celebrate your mom's life not death. Love you with all of my heart. Try reading Psalms and they will bring you comfort and joy as they did and continue to do for me.

Heiko said...

Long time no hear. Are you ok?

upnorth said...

Jenn, where are you???? Are you ok??Keep posting, love the food!

upnorth said...

I posted about 2 weeks ago, but I see that it never took! How are you??? What's going on???

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