Sweet Water

Introducing BamBam

2012-01-12T11:35:00.000-05:00

I want to ease my way back in to this blog. My brain has been stagnant for so long now that I need a smooth transition back to writing. For anyone who might actually still take notice of my little page. Here is where I've been, what I've been doing, what has absorbed every ounce of my energy and changed me completely. My baby. McCallen Stefan, otherwise known around here as BamBam.

February 24, 2011

6 months later

down home

2010-10-05T14:06:00.001-04:00

A week ago I was in Newfoundland visiting family. I spent two weeks in the place I have always referred to as "down home", the place my father was born and where I spent my childhood summers.

Some of those summers my parents, my brother and I either drove or flew down together and spent weeks catching up with family. Other years, many years, I flew down by myself and threw myself on the mercy and boundless hospitality of my relatives.

I'm not sure why they kept agreeing to put up with me.

I was not an easy child.

I'm sure my parents appreciated the break.

My vacations were spent here, in Job's Cove, in the village that my father grew up in and where my aunts and uncles still live. My aunt Theresa continues to live in my grandparents' house.

Job's Cove is, for me, the real Newfoundand. It is a tiny outpost made up of close knit families with a common identity.

That identity is fishing. Job's Cove is a fishing village.

If you know anything about Newfoundland, or about the fishing industry, you know where I'm going with this. I don't want to harp on it except to say that there is a moment of sadness when I enter Job's Cove now.

The energy, the lifeblood that flowed through the community when I was young is missing. Replacing it is a sense of futility, a kind of lack of purpose. It's pervasive and it's a difficult thing to find yourself in the midst of.

When I was young this place was filled with boats and gear and men full of strength and purpose.

More than one person was amazed that I would even walk down there now. It seems not many do.

I had a number of reasons for visiting Newfoundland at this particular time.

It had been two years since my last trip and for me that's about the point where I start to get antsy. I start really craving the smell of the salt water and the comforts of down home. I also figured that if I better get on a plane now...while I can still fit.

The deciding factor was really the fact that I had just spent a summer mostly alone while Dad had his own east coast vacation and SeaBass worked his butt off in the big city.

It wasn't the alone time that I found difficult. I like quiet. I actually found it hard to adjust when Dad returned home.

Mostly I needed a break from the three insane canines that I was left in sole custody of for the majority of the summer.

Three giant dogs plus one quickly advancing pregnancy equals one stressful summer.

I needed to be dog free for just a minute.

I was also really feeling a pull towards the strong sense of family I feel in Newfoundland. The amazing women there who love me. I live in a home with two men who are of course thrilled with the whole baby thing but I was really feeling like I needed the support of women. That was not something I'd ever really experienced before. The strength of the pull towards it was really an amazing thing.

My cousins threw me a surprise baby shower on the second night I was there. My response to the surprise was to walk directly past the baby shower banner and array of shower decorations without noticing a godddam thing and then to glance at the pile of presents in the corner and think to myself that it was a bit odd that my cousin Lisa, whose baby is now 3 months old, had not yet opened all of her baby gifts and also, why were said gifts now piled in a corner of her sister Cathy's living room?

The reality of the whole pregnancy thing had obviously not yet settled on me.

Also, I am nothing if not observant.

They had to explain to me what was going on. Then I went into shock and spent the next couple of hours totally overwhelmed by the gesture.

I have to say though, flying home accompanied an added hockey equipment sized bag full of gifted baby paraphernalia did a lot to help me accept the reality of the soon to be arriving baby.

I had big plans for my trip. I was going to do a lot of cooking and explore what was going on in with food down there. I was going to get out on my own and have some adventures.

I did none of that.

I spent all my time with family. I relaxed. I made no plans. I let go of everything. It was perfect.

I took pictures.

I had time to see Job's Cove with an eye that I don't always stop to allow myself to view it through.

There were times when I was younger and I was brooding and I was suffering through the usual adolescent upheavals as well as my own special brand of crazy that I felt suffocated when I was down home.

I admit that it was sometimes overwhelming to be so closely surrounded by so much family. It was sometimes a relief to come back here again.

I thought a lot about that this time.

Everything I've been through in the last year and everything I'm going through now has changed me so much. I couldn't get enough of family on this visit.

It was very difficult to leave to come home.

thank you

2010-09-28T17:37:00.000-04:00

Okay, I don't know what in the be-jeezus has been going on with my comment posting feature. Suffice it to say that I only became aware this afternoon that people were actually still reading the blog and had not abandoned me and my yammerings.

So....after wiping away my tears of gratitude and appreciation I made sure to publish all the comments, called SeaBass and yelled into his unsuspecting ear, "people actually give a shit about me!"

I wanted to thank you all and let you know how amazed and grateful I am that you're all still around and care about what's been going on with me.

Really, thank you all. Really. A lot.

Back to writing real posts now.

sausage

2010-09-28T14:15:00.001-04:00

Absolutely insistent on wearing my skinny jeans out today.

This means that I'm about to leave the house with my pants totally undone - and feeling like an overstuffed sausage.

I don't even care anymore.

18 weeks and 4 days. Almost halfway there.

water balloons

2010-09-08T14:11:00.000-04:00

That's the closest I can come to describing the sensation at 15 weeks pregnant.

I feel like I'm carrying a giant, ever expanding, pulling, cramping, stretching, aching water balloon in my belly.

And this is just the beginning.

Savour Simcoe

2010-09-04T19:44:00.001-04:00

Last weekend I got to attend Savour Simcoe, a great food event put on by Simcoe County Farm Fresh and featuring the producers and purveyors here in Simcoe County.

We tend to get a little overlooked up here in cottage country, overshadowed by our close proximity to the big city delights to be found in Toronto. But we've got some pretty damn happenin' food related goodness going on around here too. Plus, guess where much of that yumminess folks are enjoying in the big city is coming from? There's certainly no farm land left in the urban sprawl on the shores of Lake Ontario!

Farm Fresh asked me to take some pictures of the food featured at the event. I pretty much jumped at the chance.

The day was beautiful, with booths scattered throughout the historical outdoor exhibits at Simcoe County Museum. Restaurants and purveyors were partnered with local producers whose product they used to create yummy, yummy dishes for us food sluts. It was a perfect way to showcase our area.

The North Restaurant produced a tasty and incredibly beautiful lamb dish with help from their partner Sunnidale Farms

These guys were kept incredibly busy all day serving the starving masses.

I kept coming back to the booth belonging to Cravings Fine Food & Catering

and their partners Algonquin Angus Beef

and Valley Farm Market

Their display was very vibrant and inviting and I was having a blast snapping pictures.

Cravings pulled out two separate dishes for the event. The first was a sort of deconstructed perogie of spelt with a cauliflower puree in the place of potato, smoked brisket and smoked bacon and carmelized onion.

It was really tasty. The spelt had a wonderful texture and like any successful "deconstruction" attempt, the individual elements all combined in your mouth to give you a great taste memory of the original dish (check me out using big foodie terms! I'm feeling fancy.)

Their second dish was a meatloaf served with a corn, bean and carrot succotash, creamed potatoes and a roasted tomato ketchup. I'm drooling just writing out the description.

Nice, no?

They had a challenge keeping up with demand.

Just for a little variety, here's a shot of some of the lovely local beverage on offer

It was a hot day. I couldn't drink wine. I was not pleased. I sucked on my water bottle and sulked.

Pinehouse Farms was partnered with Portage Bistro. Together they offered a beautiful little bundle of fresh greens topped with a fresh dressing as well as a dumpling and a cold soup.

Era 67 Restaurant and Lounge paired with Ego's Farm Market on a stew with a choice of fresh toppings.

Please enjoy as I continue to inundate you with still more images of goodness from Savour Simcoe.

hello again

2010-08-24T17:17:00.000-04:00

I would now like to show you some of the things that I thoroughly enjoyed cooking and eating while missing from the blogosphere.


Asparagus Pesto


Roasted Beet Salad

Bacon Wrapped Jalapeno Poppers

Wild Mushroom and Wild Leek Soup

Spicy Broccoli

And now I would like to give you my excuse for the missing-ness.

Are you ready for it?

It's a good one.

My body has been invaded by a tiny alien being who sucks me of physical energy, mental capacity and, most distressingly, the desire to lovingly prepare home cooked meals.

Or, less dramatically but equally as truthful - I'm pregnant.

I realize that this might not seem like an immediately logical excuse for abandoning my blog and truthfully, it's not the entire reason. The entire reason goes something like this, I was going through a bit of a depressive period that was making it very difficult for me to write, or cook, or write about cooking, or do most other things that I enjoy.

There I was, drifting along in a fog of emotional yuckiness when I was suddenly and very unexpectedly

(unexpectedly like, I went out, bought a pregnancy test at the drug store and then immediately headed to the liquor store and bought a bottle of wine 'cause that's just how sure I was that I was just being crazy and there was no way that SeaBass and I had successfully made us a baby)

lifted out of my stupor by the news of a wee SeaBass Jr. on the way.

I was then pretty quickly sucked into another kind of stupor - the kind caused by having your body taken over by a wee, tiny little alien being. It is truly incredible how much havoc one itty-bitty, teensy-weensy stranger can wreak on your insides.

Seriously, I was unaware of how both how immediately and how intensely being pregnant would affect me.

But of course, I'm loving every minute of it. Because in between the morning sickness, the aches and pains, the inability to eat anything but bread and other assorted baked goods; I get to think about what is actually going on inside me and how totally cool it actually is.

So, that's whats been going on with me. But I'm back and I'm determined to start cooking and eating real food again. And, if you'll allow me, I'm also determined to write about this next several months and how I'm dealing with it.

I'm looking forward to the adventure.

10 months and 4 days (300 days)

2010-05-19T15:15:00.000-04:00

I feel more mixed up, turned around, sad, angry, guilty, distraught this month than I have in the last few.

Just when I thought the roller coaster was coming to a stop I've taken another sharp turn around another blind corner and I have no idea where I'm headed.

The closer we come to a year the more frightened of a future without my Mother I become and the more angry that I have to contemplate one at all.

I'm also finding myself panicking as I see what I perceive to be signs of other people putting their lives back together. It feels like an insult to Mom, it feels wrong and my anger builds some more.

There are so many emotions swirling around in my head these days that I can't focus on anything.

It's like starting all over again.

soy lemon salmon with shitake mushrooms

2010-05-10T19:23:00.000-04:00

SeaBass and I first had a version of this dish the year we lived in Halifax, NS. I took him out to a Teppanyaki restaurant for his birthday (totally cheesy but fun...and yummy) and we both fell in love with this salmon dish.

Have I ever told you about our year in Halifax? How we got together as a summer fling at home in Toronto (I had no interest in anything serious knowing I was returning to school in Nova Scotia) and then, come September, SeaBass totally followed me out east...at which point I couldn't seem to get rid of him. So we moved in together after approximately three months of dating and five years later here we are. Still stuck together.

It's a love story for the ages really.

Anyhoo, since that birthday celebration I've come back to this salmon recipe time and time again. It has good memories attached to it but mostly it's just damned tasty. The salmon is sauteed in soy sauce in lemon juice, making it salty and sweet and tangy all at once. The tender, flaky flesh of the salmon absorbs the flavours of the soy and lemon but holds on to its own character at the same time.

The shitake mushrooms are prepared basically the same way, sliced and then sauteed in soy and lemon, with a little butter thrown in at the last minute if you're feeling indulgent.

This is one of my more interpretive recipes - mostly because it's never actually occurred to me to stop and measure out the amount of soy sauce that I'm using - but also because I personally like my salmon heavier on the lemon that SeaBass does.

He's salty, I'm tangy. We balance each other out.

So, here's the loose recipe. Please play with it and make it work for you.

Soy, Lemon Salmon with Shitake Mushrooms

1 tbsp olive oil

2 salmon fillets (skin removed)

1-2 cloves garlic finely diced

1 cup soy sauce

juice of 1-2 lemons

dozen shitake mushrooms

butter optional

Heat saute pan with 1/2 tbsp olive oil.

Add minced garlic.

Add salmon.

Pour 1/2 cup-3/4 cup soy sauce over salmon and into saute pan.

Add juice from 1 lemon.

Saute salmon on med. heat for approx 5 mins on one side.

Watch soy and lemon juice to ensure it is not cooking down too much - you want to stay very liquid in the pan.

Add more soy and lemon if necessary - taste to be sure you're happy with the combination.

Turn salmon over and continue to saute until cooked through.

Allow the soy and lemon juices to cook down at this point.

Spoon the thickening liquid over top of the salmon as it is thickening.

Remove salmon from pan.

Mushrooms

Slice shitakes.

Heat saute pan with 1/2 tbsp olive oil.

Add mushrooms to pan.

Add remaining soy sauce and lemon juice to pan.

Saute mushrooms until cooked through.

Serve with salmon.

more babble and some actual cooking (muxi pork)

2010-05-07T14:41:00.000-04:00

My creative juices have been frozen. I haven't been cooking as much as I normally do let alone writing about cooking as much as I normally do.

I'm not sure exactly why that is. I believe it has something to do with the time of year.

Good god, could we please get some fresh, local veggies around these parts?

No? It's still far too early? This crazy spring of ours has not finished fooling with us yet and tomorrow there is a chance of flurries?

Alright then, I think I'll just go back to bed 'til mid June-ish.

I'm still eating my wild leeks constantly - also SeaBass is getting really fed up with the pervasive garlic-iness that surrounds me. I think it might be doing serious damage to our relationship.

And now excuse me as I take a small blogging break to snack on a cracker with leek pesto.

Don't judge me!

I've had no luck in my hunt for morels, which I'm blaming on our very strange spring. It's been very dry, alternately very warm and very cold and very unpredictable. Mother nature is quite obviously enjoying herself messing with our vulnerable little human emotions; chuckling as we all get excited about gardens and planting and days in the sun and then falling on the floor laughing as she yanks the rug out from under us with another cold snap.

Basically I'm feeling a little lost in limbo. Sensing the abundance of fresh summer produce just around the corner is making it difficult for me to cook with what is here now.

All that being said, the last time I was down in the big city visiting the in-laws - a lovely day trip of the sort that causes me to

a) lose sleep

b) pop anxiety meds

c) bury myself deep in consecutive glasses of wine

I made sure to take a little of the edge off the visit (you know, in case the valium and alcohol weren't doing the job) by making a stop at a nearby Asian grocery store.

While I have definitely noticed a kind of cosmopolitan shift around here in the time since we moved up here, soy sauce and rice noodles are often the most Asian ingredients I'm likely to find at local stores.)

I could have spent a good hour (and a good hundred dollars) roaming through the store but SeaBass was keeping me on a tight schedule so I limited myself to a few dried ingredients that I've been wanting to try.

My favourite ingredient so far?

Yep, dried lily flowers also known as Golden Needles for their beautiful yellow colour.

They are the dried buds of the day lily and add great texture and taste to traditional Chinese stir fries and soups.

You simply reconstitute the dried flowers in hot water and they are ready to be added to any dish.

I find them slightly earthy with a burst of tart almost vinegary hit in the reconstituted bud.

I wanted to make something very traditional as my first dish featuring the lilies. I always like to start that way with a new ingredient, it gives me an idea of where the ingredient comes from, its role in tradition and history. Once I'm comfortable with the history of an ingredient I'm ready to make it my own.

Right, so enough babbling about what I'm sure is my ever so intriguing food tendencies ('cause obviously I totally know what the hell I'm talking about.) Back to the food.

The first thing I made with my bounty of lilies was Muxi (Moo Shoo) Pork.

I actually made it twice. SeaBass loved it so much he made me cook it for him again the next day (sometimes I feel like I'm in a relationship with an 8 year old picky eater!)

I can't really blame him though. The lily flowers were a harmonious part of the dish but definitely their own texture and level of flavour to the end results.

As with all Chinese recipes it is important to get all your prep done ahead of time and be totally prepared when you start the cooking, 'cause although the ingredient looks long and the recipe might at first appear complicated, it's actually very simple. And things move incredibly quickly once you get the ball rolling.

Muxi Pork

1/2 lb. pork tenderloin

Marinade for Tenderloin

2 tsp soy sauce

2 tsp dry sherry

1 tsp sugar

2 tsp cornstarch

Stir Fry Sauce

3 tbsp water

3 tbsp chicken broth

1 tbsp soy sauce

2 tsp dry sherry

1/2 tsp salt

1/2 tsp sesame oil

1 tsp corn starch

Stir Fry

handful shitake mushrooms

1 portabello mushroom (or handful crimini)

2 tbsp dried lily flowers

1/2 cup bamboo shoots (rinse if canned)

2 green onions finely chopped

2 thin slices ginger cut into strips

2 eggs

1/2 tsp salt

6 tbsp oil for frying

1 tsp sesame oil

Mix together all marinade ingredients - *add cornstarch last.

Cut tenderloin into thin strips and cover with marinade.

Marinate for 30 mins.

Mix together sauce ingredients - add cornstarch last. Set aside.

Cover lily buds with hot water and allow to soak for 30 minutes.

After 30 mins. drain the lily flowers and remove any hard tips from them. Set aside.

Beat eggs with salt and set aside.

Heat wok over medium.

Add 2 tbsp. oil.

Add beaten eggs and scramble until firm.

Remove eggs from wok.

Wipe down wok.

Add 2 tbsp oil back to wok.

When oil is hot, add ginger and fry until aromatic.

Add pork and stir fry until almost cooked through.

Remove pork from work.

Add 2 tbsp. oil to wok.

When hot add mushrooms and lily buds.

Stirfry for one minute.

Push ingredients to side of wok.

Stir the sauce you set aside and add to wok.

Stir sauce quickly to thicken.

Add pork back to wok.

Add scrambled egg.

Add green onion.

Mix all ingredients together.

Serve with hoisin sauce on top of rice or mandarin pancakes.

* As cornstarch is a thickening agent, if you add it to your sauce before any other ingredient you will not get the texture and taste you are looking for.

Lily buds

and simple stir fries

make me happy.

informative information (or self indulgent babbling)

2010-04-28T18:37:00.000-04:00

I know I've been neglecting the blog a little lately...and I feel terrible about it.

I feel I owe an explanation.

Be prepared, my explanation is ridiculous and shows what a preposterous excuse for a now 32 year old adult I am.

Also, it reveals my fragile hold on sanity.

But, as you know, I'm nothing if not honest with you all so I'd like to let you in on what's been hampering my creativity and deeply affecting my already clearly defective brains.

Ever since my nervous breakdown (I cringe every time I say that but it is the simplest way to explain what happened to me) I have tried my hardest to maintain a very simplified, routine, non-stressful existence. And I've done pretty well at it. I weeded out a lot of stressful elements from my life, left my stressful job, moved away from what I felt to be a stressful town and generally enveloped myself in a stress free cocoon.

Unfortunately, this has backfired just a little bit.

I'm now at a point in life where I want to get out there again. Correction: where I need to get out there again.

Or maybe both are correct.

I want to get out there because I've been feeling stagnated and I have a lot of ideas hopping around in my over-active imagination that are just begging to come to fruition. Also, I'm feeling healthy enough to want and I want to take advantage of that.

I need to get out there because, well, if I don't I'm wasting my life and I refuse to waste any more time (Mother and best friend passing away will make a person reflect heavily on their own mortality and the quickly passing sands of time.)

So, here's where things get tricky.

My neurotic, obsessive need to keep things simple and calm means that any new activity I add to my life causes me great anxiety and stress.

And, while absent from the safety of the blogosphere I've been busy adding activity to my three dimensional life.

Translation: sleepless nights, panic attacks and total inability to focus on blogging or even (gasp!) cooking! It's true, poor SeaBass has suffered many a "make it yourself!" supper.

I think things are starting to calm down now though.

The biggest "new thing" is something I'm very excited to share with all you folks but I really wanted to wait until I was over making myself almost puke thinking about it (you're welcome for the image) before writing about it.

My friend (owner of Karma Marketplace, local business woman of the year and all around amazing person) and I have begun a healthy lunch program at a local elementary school. We're doing local, organic and totally made from scratch foods and I am at the helm of the cooking end of the business.

I have never cooked for more than six or seven people at a time before.

I have never cooked for folks who don't know me and therefore don't feel obliged to be at least polite, if not complimentary, before.

I have never tried to feed healthy, organic food to an audience used to fillers, by-products and additives before.

By the way, did you know that children are picky?

Yesterday was our second lunch. It was a success and now I can relax....until next Tuesday when we do it again.

I'm looking forward to sharing the experience with you. The food, the successes, the failures, the ensuing panic attacks.

Anyways, that's what's been happening with me.

Thank you for listening.

Always.

what's harder than the first christmas?

2010-04-28T14:53:00.000-04:00

Christmas was difficult but maybe made easier by the haze of grief that still covered every waking moment and allowed a shield of numbness to protect me from the pain of Mom's absence.

That fog of initial grief has lifted a little now what with the coming of spring, the return of longer days and brighter sunshine penetrating through the emotional darkness.

With spring also comes my first birthday without Mom and this I am finding much more difficult than the holiday season.

My mother was all about birthdays.

Even more so in the last few years I think. She insisted on cooking our favourite Mommy meals for birthday dinner and providing our favourite birthday cake (or Mommy made pie in my case) for dessert.

My brother's birthday was the first without Mom.

It was just last month and so also came without the easy cloak of encompassing grief to protect all of us.

I tried my best to fill in for Mom. I pulled out Her recipe for lasagna and stressed and fretted that I would somehow screw it up and we would feel Her absence even more through a botched attempt at pasta impersonation.

I made sure we had store bought garlic bread and Baskin-Robbins chocolate and peanut butter cake for dessert.

Mom's lasagna recipe is more Irish-Canadian than Italian and store bought garlic bread is an aberration to my "from scratch" sensibilities. But on birthdays that was never the point.

The point was Mom's cooking. It was the love that came through Her food. It was the joy She took in having Her children with Her on the anniversary of the day She welcomed them into the world.

There is no one here to attempt to make Mom's pizza for me today; to bake me birthday pie.

No one is remembering April 28th 32 years ago and all the April 28th's since.

It might be selfish, but maybe today I have a right to be. Mom would think so.

My birthday is more difficult than Christmas.

Foodbuzz 24, 24, 24: Foraged Food Feast

2010-04-25T20:58:00.000-04:00

We are lucky enough here in central Ontario to be surrounded by the ultimate in wild foods. Fiddleheads, wild leeks and morels are all native to the area and are easily found if you're willing to put in a little time and effort for the search. Personally, I am totally willing!

This is my first year going out on "forage" and I am totally in love with it. There is something so fulfilling about spending an hour of my day picking the food that I will use for supper that night. My hope was that all three of the mighty edible trilogy of leeks, fiddleheads and morels would be available in time for this post but, you can't rush mother nature, and so we'll have to do without morels. Never fear though, I promise to write another post when they become available.

Saturday afternoon SeaBass and I headed out to the magical neighbourhood forest, grower of all things yummy. Interestingly I seem to be the only one aware of the goodness to be found amongst the trees. Not that I'm complaining...I've taken a rather proprietary stance on the forest in fact.

We headed for an open patch of fiddleheads first and sifted through the layers of leaves to find the tiny, unfurled baby ferns.

This is what you're looking for in a fiddlehead; tightly furled with a nice stem and a bright green colour. When it comes time to cook them you will brush away any brown fuzz first before doing anything else.

My friendly neighbourhood forest is absolutely blanketed in wild leeks right now. I hop from patch to patch picking a few from each one so that I don't overpick any one area. Just starting to blossom now, and popping up in amongst the fields of leeks are Ontario's official flower, the Trillium. My sources tell me that when the trilliums are in full bloom, the morels will be ready. Unfortunately we have a little ways to go, only about 20 percent of the trilliums have blossomed so far.

We also spent time on Saturday collecting edible trout lilies. Their tender leaves, shoots and flowers are wonderful on their own or in salad.

After a peaceful afternoon wandering the forest, I laid our bounty out on the table and came up with some plans for our Foraged Feast.

The most important thing to me was showcasing the each wild food on it's own, prepared as simply as possible and then including each ingredient in a larger, more elaborate dish.

The trout lilies are so delicate, with a sweet, fresh sweet pea like flavour that I chose to leave them raw and whole and simply dress them to serve as a salad.

With dandelions we collected I made a cream of dandelion soup topped with raw dandelion flowers and dandelion flower fritters.

The dandelion greens gave the soup a nice bitterness that was balanced by the cream and the slight sweetness of the fritter.

I love the combination of fiddleheads and wild leeks together. I made a light tart with the two.

While the tart was good (I think SeaBass ate half of it) I have to say that when it comes to wild foods, I really prefer to eat them as simply as possible and without a lot of other ingredients.

Except for pesto.

I have an obsession with leek pesto.

I'm looking in to a 12 step program to help me but in the meantime, I just keep eating pesto. Our guests are lucky I shared any on Saturday. It was not easy seeing my pesto on another's plate!

Back to simplicity.

I sauteed fiddleheads and leeks together, loving the garlicky flavour the leeks lend to the fiddleheads and the slight asparagus note lent to the leeks.

The sauteed veggies accompanied the main course, quail in cream and more wild leeks.

This was a great combination. The rich meat of the quail soaked up the flavours of butter, cream and the strong onion and garlic of the leeks. The leeks cooked down into the quail and into every level of the dish. We couldn't stop eating the yummy little birds. They were the perfect end note for the meal.

Spring is an amazing time of the year. It feels to me like mother nature might be apologizing for the harsh winter. Maybe she's celebrating everything coming back to life. Whatever the reason, I am so glad that I have woken up to all the amazing things around me.

I've never eaten so well before, or taken so much pleasure in knowing that I have seen my food ripen from a seedling in the snow covered ground to a delicious ingredient on my plate.

nine months and one day (267 days)

2010-04-16T14:01:00.000-04:00

I visited the cemetery this morning. It's not something I do often, in fact this was the first time I've gone since last fall. I don't feel a connection to that patch of ground with my Mother's name on a slab. But this morning I was driving past the grounds and at the last second I found myself heading past the gates and towards Mom.

I thought I would just stop for a moment, take a look and make sure everything was okay, maybe say an obligatory prayer over Her grave. Instead I suddenly found myself sitting on the ground beside Her and carrying on a conversation. I found myself telling my mother all the things I miss without Her in my life. I found myself completely overwhelmed.

When I talk to Her as I go about my day (and I do, all the time) I feel Her still as a force in my life. I feel Her having influence and strength. In the cemetery I felt only the loss of Her. I felt all the things that are missing and that I will never find again.

Maybe the point is only that I still feel her, no matter where I am. Or where she is?Maybe the catharsis of the cemetery is helpful. Maybe it will help me heal?

I don't know.

I still don't know much of anything nine months later.

These days I'm doing a lot of thinking. A lot more thinking, worrying, questioning about my mother, her life, her loss, her legacy than I am engaging in emotional outbursts or bouts of melancholy.

To have lost such a strong influence in my life - the strongest influence in my life - has left me questioning everything about myself. I think about how much I want to be like my Mother, everyone's angel; committed to everyone's needs, the consummate parent, the kind soul, the teacher. And then I remind myself that in the end She may have given so much of Herself to everyone else that She had nothing left to sustain Herself and because of that we all lost Her far too early. I wonder if I can strike a balance. I question my choices. I worry over my weaknesses.

I feel trapped by all the thinking.

And at the end of every day I know that if I just had my mother to talk to, she would guide me to find my own path, my own answers.

I still don't know how to do this without her.

two words: wild leeks.

2010-04-14T15:10:00.000-04:00

After a week consisting of a horrendous stomach flu, followed by a tremendous head cold; both of which left me so lacking in appetite that even No Reservations could not entice my taste buds to salivate - I am finally back in the land of the food obsessed.

One thing kept me going, kept me hoping every day that I would wake up with a growly stomach once more.

Leeks.

Yes, my wild leeks are ready. My secret location is filled with patches of vibrant green shoots sending up wafts of oniony goodness.

The only thing I've eaten since my recovery is leeks. SeaBass keeps complaining that I smell but I insist that it's helping my sinuses.

Leek pesto, leek and potato soup, sauteed leeks.

Did I mention the leek pesto? I've made huge batches of it three times already.

Maybe SeaBass has a point about the smell? I can't tell. My nose is still stuffy from the cold.

If you get your hands on any wild leeks do yourself a favour and make a simple pesto. Eat it like a dip, use it as a pasta sauce, top a pizza with it.

Wild Leek Pesto

leeks

whipping cream

toasted pine nuts

olive oil

parmiggiano reggiano

I'm not going to give you any proportions here because it really depends on how strong your leeks are and if you want a milder or more oniony pesto.

Tip: When I used the pesto as a pasta sauce, I blended in some sun dried tomatoes to add a touch of mild sweetness to the sauce.

oh glorious food foraging find...and a little something for those of you who like it dirty

2010-03-31T19:49:00.000-04:00

I know I have been a neglectful blogger these last several days. And I apologize.

I have in fact eaten more than one meal and have neglected to take photos or post. Again I apologize.

However, in my defense, I will say that I did intend to post photos and dutifully recount the experience. Unfortunately all the food went mysteriously missing before I could complete my mission.

Ironically, I think I may have put on a few pounds since last I spoke to you. Weird.

I would like to tell you (minus photographic evidence) about the pho I made this weekend. We are lacking pho in these parts and I had a craving. So, totally unwilling to say "no" to my belly I embarked on my first ever adventure in pho.

After some in depth interweb-y research (read: drooling as I sifted through multiple recipes and made a random determination based on gut instinct. No really, I use the stomach growling effects as an effective measure of the impressiveness of a recipe.) I used Jaden from Steamy Kitchen's recipe.

It was well touted as the best home made pho recipe to be found. Seeing as how I haven't tried any other recipes I can't say whether it's the best, but I can say it more than satisfied my craving. It surpassed many a restaurant pho. It was beefy but light and clean. I left in the silky marrow from my soup bones and slurped every last bit of it with mouthfuls of just cooked, thin sliced steak and the typical accoutrements.

I will be making it again very, very soon.

Next time I promise not to gobble before snapping pics.

What does any of this have to do with the title of this post?

Nothing. I just wanted to share. And apologize.

Now on to more post related babbly bits.

Since the snow has melted 'round here I've been on the lookout.

I've been looking for wild leeks.

I was told that the forest near my house was of a magical sort, full of foraging goodness.

I've been searching and searching, with no sign.

I started to think I was crazy, started to think I imagined being told of the magic amongst the trees. Started to think some bastard had lied to me.

And then today. Glorious, wondrous today! There they were suddenly.

Tiny, tightly furled green heads poking up from amongst the heavy layer of discarded leaves that make up the forest floor.

I was overwhelmed by garlicky, oniony goodness just brushing aside the leaves and debris.

And they weren't just in one spot. I was picking them out everywhere.

Isolated patches of them

Larger swathes of them

Yummy, delicious, once a year, limited time offer wild leeks. Just waiting for me to pluck them from their soil beds and give their lives meaning (at least that's how I choose to think of it.)

Can you tell that I'm excited?

Seriously, since the snow has melted I've been out there in that damn forest, poking about, searching in vain for signs of these guys. And I got 'em. Hooray for me!

And now let's talk about what else my daily trips to the forest have gotten me.

This

And this

And still more of this

The dogs have decided that mud puddles are, like, THE best things ever (or at least two of them have. Sugar and I prefer to tiptoe around giant piles of squishy gooeyness. 'Cause we're classy...and lady like.)

They take such joy in it though, it's hard to do anything but smile.

Especially when I can't stop thinking about wild veg....until I get home and it's time to get them clean (which must be done so we can get dirty again tomorrow!)

i love stock, stocky, stock, stock (brown chicken stock recipe)

2010-03-26T13:38:00.002-04:00

I'm amazed by two things when it comes to stock.

1: How long it took me to realize I was throwing away money buying it every week.

2: How much stock I actually go through.

It seems like lately I've been using stock for everything. I think it has something to do with the cold weather. Lots of soups and stews and heavier sauces equals lots of stock...and wine, lots of cooking with wine.

Also (much to my amazement) my father loves my gravy! He even demands I make it for his terrible Newfie dinners. This is an incredible evolution for a man who previously only enjoyed gravy made from some mysterious brown powdered base that he gets in unlabeled containers from a friend. Supposedly the friend supplies restaurants with this mysterious stuff.

I'll stick with home cooking and gravies made from ingredients I can identify thank you very much.

I find myself making stock once every week or two right now. It's so easy to do, makes a huge flavour difference over store bought stuff and, in the case of chicken stock, it means I get to eat yummy roast chicken often.

Have I mentioned that chicken is also a new thing with me? Never liked it before.

Chicken cravings are the new pork cravings. Except not really 'cause the pork cravings won't stop but they have agreed to share the spotlight. For now.

So, as promised, here's how I make my chicken stock from beginning to end.

Brown Chicken Stock

"Brown" stock is different from any other chicken stock only because the bones of the carcass are roasted before the stock is simmered.

1 whole chicken (4-5 lbs)

3 carrots roughly chopped

1 large onion quartered

4 celery stalks roughly chopped

2-3 cloves garlic whole (no need to peel)

1/4 cup olive oil

2-3 sprigs fresh thyme

small bunch fresh parsley stems

1 bay leaf

1 tbsp. fresh black peppercorns

water

In order to not be wasteful (and because I like roast chicken dammit) I buy a whole chicken and prepare it roasted.

For the roast:

Heat oven to 450 degrees.

layer bottom or roasting pan with 2 of the carrots, onion, 2 celery stalks and the garlic.

Toss the vegetables with the olive oil.

Lay your chicken (prepared as you prefer) on top of the veggies.

Place in oven.

Cook at 450 for 15 mins.

Reduce heat (without removing chicken) to 350 degrees and continue to roast for 45 mins or until juices run clear.

Save the carrot, onion, celery, garlic for the stock.

Stock:

Save any leftover bits of fat, meat from the carcass.

Cut the bones of the carcass into manageable 1-2 inch sized pieces.

In a large stockpot heat 1 tbsp. olive oil

When oil is hot add bones and roast on all sides until well browned.

Add one cup water and deglaze pot, removing any bits stuck to the bottom.

Add vegetables from roast.

Optional: Add another fresh carrot, celery, onion.

Fill pot with water to cover ingredients.

Bring to a boil.

Remove any scum that forms on surface.

Add herbs and peppercorns.

Reduce heat to simmer.

Partially cover and simmer for up to three hours.

Let cool and strain.

Pour stock into jars.

Keep in refrigerator up to a week or freezer up to three months.

That's it, that's all. You can a yummy meal, the basics for some more yummy meals and the pleasure of knowing that you really got the best out of the aromatic vegetables sacrificed for their aroma-ness.

You can't really ask more from a carrot than being roasted and then further cooked to a pulp!

Roscoff Onions (and a soup)

2010-03-23T14:22:00.000-04:00

Last week I found some interesting looking onions at the grocery store.

A beautiful skin of pink/purple with an overlay of thin, crackly peel and a smell of mildly sweet oniony goodness.

I had to try them.

I happily noted that they were locally grown and I was further intrigued when I read the label and found that the seeds had been gathered from France to grow back here at home.

When I got home I did some googling and discovered that I was in the presence of greatness. Turns out pink French onions are the stuff of legends - or at least a well documented history.

The onions were originally grown in the town of Roscoff in the Breton region of France. The French farmers took their tasty harvest across the waters to England where they were sold door to door in braided bunches by bicycling Frenchmen who became known as Onion Johnnies.

Man I wish I was European. I totally want my onions brought to my door by a beret wearing, stripe shirt clad Frenchman.

But I'll take them as I can.

I broke into the onions and discovered a firm flesh with light onion scent and, miracle of miracles, a total lack of tears running from my poor, sensitive eyes.

Apparently they're known for this trait - I love them even more!

So after all the onion research, appreciation and some taste testing I had to decide what to make with them.

And that only took me about half the day.

I am nothing if not decisive.

When I have an ingredient I haven't tried before I always want to cook the simplest thing so I can really taste the ingredient.

I was going to do a raw prep, then I was going to simply saute, then carmelize, then confit, then make a tart...

Finally I settled on French onion soup. Not the most creative choice, but it seemed fitting given the onion's origins.

I wanted to make a really light version of the soup to compliment the delicacy of the Roscoff onion so I switched up my typical recipe to alighter version.

Roscoff Onion Soup

1 tbsp butter

1 tbsp olive oil

3 lbs Roscoff pink onions sliced thin

1 tsp sugar

3 tbsp flour

1/2 cup white wine

6 cups chicken stock

3 tbsp cognac

thick baguette slices

gruyere cheese grated

Melt butter with oil in large saucepan.

When butter has totally melted and stopped foaming add onion slices.

Cover saucepan and cook onions for 15 minutes.

Uncover pan.

Raise heat to medium and add sugar.

Stir together and continue to cook onions uncovered until they reach a deep colour (approx 30 mins.)

Stir in flour and allow flour to cook for a couple of minutes (this removes the raw taste of flour.

Add white wine and allow to evaporate and deglaze the pan.

Add stock.

Turn heat to low and allow to simmer for up to two hours.

Just before serving add cognac.

Place baguette slice in bottom of oven safe soup bowl and grate cheese over top.

Pour soup over top bread and cheese.

Place bowls under broiler and allow cheese to melt.

Serve.

Typically I make my French onion soup with a mix of onions, garlic and a lot of chili flakes to give it some kick. I also use beef broth which makes for a more robust soup but I really wanted to keep this light and highlight the onions.

This soup was so delicate and sweet. I was very pleased with the results and I hope you are too!

you know you love me....right? huh? anyone?

2010-03-22T18:30:00.001-04:00

So, time for me to plead my faithful raiders to head on over to Chef it Yourself and vote for your favourite edible flower post.

Meaning mine.

Meaning I am an insecure little blogger. Please, please love me and vote for me!)

But mostly just take a look at the posts and vote wisely.

Meaning for me.

Or not.

Whichever.

I love you readers!

chef it yourself top chef challenge: edible flowers, shallots and beef

2010-03-20T15:46:00.000-04:00

For the last three months I've been promising Anamaris of Chef it Yourself that I would participate in her Top Chef challenge.

This month I finally got my s*@t together in time to do it.

Each month Anamaris names a couple of "mystery" ingredients to base a meal around. This month it was edible flowers, choice of lamb, pork or beef and shallots.

Do I seem calm about it?

I totally shouldn't because the words "edible flowers" completely scared the bejezus outta me.

For a while I wasn't even sure I could get my hands on any flowers. I mean, yeah we're seeing some signs of early spring around here but by that I mean all the snow is gone leaving everything looking dirty and barren.

We're not exactly awash in a riot of spring blossoms.

Then it occurred to me that we have an amazing organic greenhouse nearby. Cookstown Greens is this amazing place that's been producing heirloom veggies and organic wonders for almost 20 years.

They mostly supply professional chefs and restaurants but that worked out just fine for me as it fed in nicely to my delusions of real chef-itude.

Hooray for encouraging the crazy!

So I ordered a mixed bunch of flowers and had absolutely no idea what I was getting.

When I got the flowers home I found nasturtiums, violas, corn flowers, pinks and phlox. I did some taste testing and devised a plan of action.

The nasturtiums were the most interesting to my palate. They have this peppery hit to them that I really liked so I wanted to feature them.

Et voila, nasturtium pesto! I thought the peppery note would go nicely with our other mandatory ingredient, shallots, so I added some of those to the mix as well as toasted walnuts and a little garlic. It was yummy.

With the other flowers I decided to make an infusion and use them in a shallot sauce to go over my sauteed sirloin steaks. The flavour and scent of the infusion was mild but added a unique layer to the shallot sauce.

I'm pretty darn pleased with how everything turned out - if I do say so myself.

Nasturtium Pesto
2 cups nasturtium flowers and leaves
1 tbsp diced shallot
1 tsp garlic minced
1/2 cup toasted walnuts
1/3 cup olive oil
Season with s&p

Process all ingredients together.
Please play with the amounts of ingredients here to get a flavour and texture that you're happy with.

Flower Infusion
2 cups edible flowers (corn flowers, phlox, pinks)
2 cups water

Bring flowers and water to a boil and allow to steep together to infuse flavours.

Shallot Sauce
1 tbsp butter
2 tbsp olive oil
2 shallots finely diced
1 clove garlic finely diced
good splash of white wine
1 cup flower infusion
1/2 tbsp lemon zest
1/2 tbsp orange zest
2 tbsp unsalted butter
Season with s&p

Melt butter with olive oil in saute pan.
Add garlic and shallots.
Saute until translucent (about 30 seconds).
Add wine to deglaze pan.
Allow wine to evaporate.
Add flower infusion and citrus zests.
Bring to boil and simmer to thicken.
Finish sauce with 2 tbsp unsalted butter.
Season with s&p.

Sirloin Steak
2 portions
Season with s&p

Pat steaks dry and season.
Heat pan to smoking.
Add steaks.
Grill for 2-3 minutes on each side for medium rare.

Verdict: Yummy spring/summer meal.

Mostly impressed with myself for being capable of pulling my act together on a deadline!

top chef experiment: take nine (brined short ribs with 5 onion cabbage)

2010-03-17T18:38:00.000-04:00

Here's how my brain functions (or malfunctions - I leave that for you to decide) if I don't like what I perceive to be the personality of a given singer/actor/chef/general celebrity type I cannot, in turn, enjoy any of their work.

Take Bono of U2 for instance. He seems like a pompous ass to me. That's exactly how I describe him any time the topic arises. Luckily for me it seems to arise often and I get to shout out "pompous ass" and get all kerfuffled about my obviously very valid judgment of his pomposity.

Another good example: Alanis Morrissette.

I don't care that she's Canadian, I really don't. I care that her songs back in the day were ridiculous and stupid and therefore she is obviously a fool. Don't get me started on the now infamous "Ironic" lyrics. Complete idiocy.

And so I couldn't even stand to be in the room when one of her songs was played. Back in the 90s I was so well known for harbouring these strongly held opinions about people I totally have no personal knowledge of that my friends once took it upon themselves to trap me in a room and force me to endure Morrissette and her Ironic philosophizing.

It was pure torture. I still have nightmares.

The point is that this character trait of mine informs a lot of what I do and don't do in my life. I'm a little rash, I jump headlong into things.

I love as easily as I hate though. In fact, I don't like much. I love, I hate, there's not much in between for me.

Also, not really about the nightmares by the way, I'm not that pathetic.

So what does this have to do with Top Chef? Well it has a lot to do with Chef Michael Chiarello from Top Chef Masters.

The guy was a bit of an ass on the show. Sometimes more than a bit. He seemed to be dealing with some serious insecurity and self confidence issues. He was totally intimidated by Chef Keller and in every championship round made some mention of a personal competition between himself and Keller that Keller seemed to be totally unaware of.

When former Top Chef contestants arrived to act as sous chefs in one round, they all immediately felt the overcompensating ego of Chiarello as the "master" made them run ridiculous errands in the kitchen to prove their prospective worth to him. Those who were chosen to be on his team he treated like lesser beings and not the seasoned chefs they all certainly are.

Oh yeah, and he was also totally put off by the idea that former Top Chef winners would have a hand in deciding the Masters winner, stating clearly that they were not qualified to judge his food.

As you can see, I was a little annoyed by the guy.

Actually I more accurately vacillated between being super put off by his attitude and feeling incredibly sorry for him that he couldn't enjoy the comaraderie and friendly competition the way the other chefs seemed to because he was just so busy trying to prove himself all the time.

But his food looked good dammit.

I actually struggled with myself about cooking one of his dishes because his personality bothered me so much.

My own ego insisted that if I gave in to cooking Chiarello's food I would be giving in to...well, I don't really know what....his yucky pomposity I guess.

Then rational brain had a chat with ego and talked ego down off the ledge of self importance and all the voices in my head realized the whole discussion was stupid and really all any of us really wanted was some short ribs.

Does this mean I'm maturing? Growing more rational or less dramatic?

Probably not. I'm pretty sure most rational mature folks don't have multiple arguing voices in their heads

And also I still won't listen to U2 and I'll still throw up a little in my mouth if I hear Alanis Morrissette in my vicinity. And I still won't watch movies with Russell Crowe and..well..you get the idea.

But a good short rib dish? Well I guess I have to draw the line somewhere.

I wanted to try this dish because the ribs are brined before braising and I haven't done that before. This extra step of marinating the beef in salt and really imparted some nice flavours on the meat.

My favourite part of this dish was actually the cabbage. It was so softly sweet and tender. The onions were subtle and sweet. The julienned carrots and raisins were visually beautiful and added a nice level of sugar to the cabbage.

They were such a perfect match for the ribs. Another brilliant dish in which the whole is that much greater than the sum of its parts.

On their own I found the ribs to be very good if a little too salty for my taste (salt loving dad thought they were just perfect). They were tender and falling off the bone and when met with the cabbage the whole dish gained a wonderful balance of flavours and textures.

Brined Short Ribs with 5 Onion Cabbage

(adapted from Michael Chiarello's recipe on bravotv.com)

Brine

2 quarts water

2 cups brown sugar

2 cups kosher salt

2 tbsp. juniper berries

3 bay leaves

Bring all ingredients together in a saucepan.

Stir to dissolve sugar.

Let the brine cool completely and then cover the ribs with brine and refrigerate for 3 hours.

Ribs

4 lbs. cross cut short ribs

olive oil

2 cups onion coarsely chopped

1 cup carrot coarsely chopped

1 cup celery coarse chopped

1 cup red wine

1 quart chicken stock

Preheat oven to 300 degrees.

Remove ribs from brine.

Pat dry.

Heat a high sided saute pan over medium high heat until hot.

Add a layer of olive oil to the pan.

When the oil begins to smoke add the ribs and brown on all sides.

Note: They will brown very quickly due to the sugar in the brine.

After browning place the ribs in an oven safe dish.

Put onion, carrot and celery to saute pan and cook over medium heat until well caramelized.

Add vegetables to dish with short ribs.

Pour red wine into saute pan.

Deglaze the pan and then simmer until reduced by half.

Add stock to wine.

Bring to a boil and then pour liquid over ribs and vegetables.

Bring the ribs to a boil on the stovetop.

Then cover and place in oven.

Bake until tender (approx 4 hours).

5 Onion Cabbage

1 cup leeks sliced (white parts only)

1 cup green onions sliced (white parts only)

1 cup shallots diced small

1 cup red onion diced small

1 cup yellow onion diced small

1 cup grated carrot

extra virgin olive oil

1/4 cup golden raisins

1 head savoy cabbage

Sweat leeks, shallots and all onions and carrot in olive oil.

Add raisins.

Saute for a few minutes.

Add cabbage and cook slowly until very soft (approx 2 hours).

Stir frequently.

8 months (235 days)

2010-03-15T14:08:00.000-04:00

At eight months I think I'm capable of looking ahead again.

I leave hesitate to declare that with certainty because I know that I've been fooled before.

Fall and winter allow you to shut down, to hibernate, to cover your head in the blankets and just get by from day to day. But now spring has begun to spring and I feel as though the universe is insisting that I take a deep breath of the fresh air, soak up the warmth of the sunshine and take some pleasure in the world around me once again.

Spring was Mom's favourite season. I remember her talking about how much she loved to see all the different shades of vibrant green in her garden. She worked hard on that garden.

I had never taken any notice of the progression of spring growth until I heard Mom that day.

She is so much a part of all the things I am.

So spring is difficult too. I find myself encountering a lot of "lasts" that didn't affect me in fall or winter. I existed in such a daze through those dead seasons that I was not plagued by distinct memories of seasons past. Spring has awakened those.

It feels like spring is the last season that I remember spending real time with Mom. She was so busy in those last few months. Of course I'm haunted by this every time I remember her.

The beach, the garden, the dogs, the family gatherings. They all are overlayed with the last time with Mom.

It hurts but I am so lucky to have so many memories to recall so very easily - or at least I know that in time I will be comforted by that fact.

top chef experiment: take nine (sopa azteca)

2010-03-11T13:26:00.000-05:00

I just had to try this soup by Rick Bayless.

I actually didn't realize he was so famous for it until, um, 30 seconds ago when I did a quick google seach with his name and the soup. I just wanted to give a Mexican recipe a try.

Mexican flavours are not ones I indulge in much. I think I've been a bit jaded by my general perception that Mexican food has been franchised out and reduced to chihuahuas yapping about tacos and quesadillas.

How

On one of the few occasions that SeaBass decided to take me on a romantic dinner date (this was at the beginning of our relationship. The attempts at romance have only gone downhill from here) he made a reservation and would only tell me that he was taking me out for a wonderful meal of "real" Mexican food at this restaurant he had heard about. As we drove closer to our destination I started to get a bad feeling about just where he had "heard about" said restaurant.

Woman's intuition is a powerful thing.

We were headed for "Mexicali Rosa's". He had heard about it on the radio. In one of their incessantly repeated commercials.

We were headed for the typical Mexican fair of tortilla chips and salsa and crappy margaritas. I was trying very hard to be pleasant.

The funny thing was that SeaBass totally didn't recall being inundated with commercials with this place. He was sure that someone he knew had given him a hot tip on a great place.

Their ad agency better have been well paid.

SeaBass also did not recall, until he saw the sign for the restaurant, that we had just eaten at another one of their franchises a couple of weeks before with some of his rowdy friends.

Yep, his romantic destination was filled with families with screaming children, drunken boys and bad food.

I think that's the night he gave up control in our relationship.

Hmm...maybe some good did come out of it.

I have for some time now been wanting to give Mexican fare another chance though. Especially since my brother just returned from a trip during which he got to experience a bit of the real Mexico. No Acapulcan resort food on this journey.

Now he keeps walking around mumbling about "tortas" every time he gets within hearing distance of me. Can anyone help me with this?

Back to Bayless and his Sopa Azteca. It was damn good. I loved all the layering of flavours involved. The tomato base was very nice on its own but building on the soup with the condiments and garnishes to suit your own taste was my favourite part.

(Full disclosure: This pic is from Bayless' website. I was having an off day when I made the soup and hated all the pics I ended up with. I had a bit of a temper tantrum and deleted them all. I am a huge whining baby. Thank you for understanding.)

Sopa Azteca

(adapted from Rick Bayless recipe on bravotv.com)

Serves 6

*1 large dried pasilla chile stemmed and seeded

1 15 oz. can diced tomatoes in juice

2 tbsp. olive oil

1 med white onion sliced

3 garlic cloves peeled

2 quarts chicken broth

**1 large epazote sprig

4 boneless, skinless chicken breast halves cubed into 1/2 inch

1 large ripe avocado pitted and flesh scopped out

1 1/2 cups Mexican melting cheese

approx 4 cups broken tortilla chips

1/2 cup mexican crema, sour cream or creme fraiche

1 large lime cut into wedges

*no pasilla chiles in my neck of the woods. I used a scotch bonnet and dried red chili.

** I substituted some dried oregano and savoury

Quickly toast the chili over an open flame (or in a dry pan over medium heat on both sides) for just a few seconds.

Break chili into pieces and put in blender with tomato and juices.

Heat oil in large saucepan over med. high.

Add onion and garlic.

Saute until golden.

Remove onion and garlic with slotted spoon (leave behind as much oil as possible.)

Put onion and garlic in blender with tomato and chili.

Blend until smooth.

Return pan to med high heat.

When pan is hot add tomato puree and stir constantly until reduced to tomato paste consistency (approx 6 mins.)

Add chicken broth and epazote (or herbs.)

Reduce heat to med low and simmer 15 mins.

Season with salt.

Approx 5 mins before serving add chicken to simmering broth.

Divide acocado, cheese and tortilla chips up soup bowls.

When chicken is cooked (5 mins) ladle soup into bowls.

Garnish with cream.

plagiarism is bad

2010-03-09T14:49:00.000-05:00

Lately I've been having dreams about essays.

Fascinating, I know.

It's the typical nightmare of being back in school and being unprepared. In this version I'm not concerned about exams for classes never attended or having to suddenly take a scary subject like math again (have I ever told you all that I hate numbers and I really, truly believe them to be unnecessary and a form of torture imposed by nerds everywhere?) or, my favourite, finding myself back in high school. I even had dreams about finding myself back in elementary school for a time.

No, this series of dreams involves end of term papers that I can't seem to get done. I'm too exhausted, too mentally drained to complete them.

I remember feeling this way at the end of my final year of University. All of us graduating as Comparative Religion majors (all 4 of us) were experiencing the same complete mental breakdown (mine was more influenced by WAY too much partying and basic self destruction than anyone elses though) and our wonderful profs were good enough to give us all extensions.

In the nightmare, I risk not graduating because I just can't get the damn papers done.

So, why am I telling you this?

I spent the weekend writing my first research paper in 5 years.

Nope I'm not back in school.

Nope I'm not on to some scientific discovery that will make me millions.

Let me preface the rest of this by saying: Plagiarism is bad.

I'm just doing a favour.

Why a favour that forces me to confront my recurring nightmares?

Well, 'cause I'm crazy like that.

And to add to the crazy - it's a topic I have no clue about.

But when you get pimped out by your brother and your SeaBass it's hard to say no.

Also when the favour is for (identity being protected for sake of not getting charged with plagiarism) one of your most favourite people in the world.

Along the way I discovered that I love me some research papers.

I've been using words that I forgot I knew like socio-cultural and heterogenous and "one" in the form of a noun and....I should really excercise my vocabulary more regularly.

I realized that I actually am capable of focusing on research papers and articles...and that it helps if I'm not totally hung-over or recovering from a wild mushroom trip.

Good god, I really was not ready to be in University while there!

I'm letting go of the paper now. I'll admit that it stressed me out. But damn it was fun.

Finally let me re-iterate: Plagiarism is bad....unless it's for someone you love.

Thank you for listening.

2010-03-08T22:33:00.000-05:00

Fight with my dad.

The balance between being a daughter and now feeling like I have to take on the "woman of the house" role.

Knowing we've always been too alike to get along and now lacking the constant buffer of Mom.

I don't know how to navigate.

maxwell silverbrat

2010-03-05T11:49:00.001-05:00

As a reminder here is Max in the days after we brought him home at eight weeks old.

Please not the look of innocence in the eyes (also, disregard the pine needles sticking out of his head. I swear we didn't impale him with anything.)

The innocence is palpable. He's begging you to believe that he could never take part in any kind of mischief. He wants you to love him, to care for him, to coddle and baby him.

He's sucking you in, that's what he's doing.

He's cute and he damn well knows it people!

Just look at what he's become:

Of course, he may or may not be running for his life from his big sister - but still...crazy!

I have never raised a puppy who chews - no, chews is wrong, he doesn't chew. He EATS so many

things (none of which are his toys. Because why would you chew your own toys when there are human type things to eat?) who takes so much pleasure in disregarding discipline...who eats SO MUCH poop!

Yeah, he's a poop eater. I'm trying to figure out the issue but no luck yet.

At least once a day my Dad threatens to evict him.

But he's still so damn cute (when he's not making crazy face that is) and he is getting better. I think. Maybe. Possibly.

Also, when did this happen to his ears?

Will he ever grow into them?

Until I started looking at pics for this post I didn't even realize how insanely large they've gotten!

Large, just like his personality.

Finally,

because keeping this level of cuteness to myself would be just plain selfish.

Also because I fear that Sugar and Dolan will find out that I wrote a post solely about Max.

Aand last but not least because it's moments like this that keep me going through the last (hopefully), dragging days of snowy winter and I hope they will brighten your day,

Please bask in the glow of happy puppies playing in wintry woods

(I managed to capture Sugar on her good side - the one without the bald patch shaved into her to help her punctured neck heal. She wouldn't be pleased if I posted a pic of her injured side!)

(This is a dog who loves this time of the year like no other. She turns every walk into an adventure....also she's already ventured out into the waters of still half frozen Georgian Bay, wading out to the mini icebergs.)

yet another first for me (chorizo and lentils)

2010-03-03T15:08:00.000-05:00

Until last night I'd never cooked lentils before. I bought a package a couple of weeks ago and I'm just now getting around to cooking them. So I decided to do them pretty simply with chorizo sausage in a kind of stew sort of thing.

I know that chorizo and lentils is a pretty classic combo but as I was looking through various recipes for inspiration I found a lot of discrepancy in the way the dish is prepared.

There were some recipes suggesting just adding the sausage to the cooking lentils - this I couldn't fathom since so much of the flavour from chorizo comes from the release of oils as it's being fried up.

There were some recipes calling for a cooking of the lentils in plain water with no additional seasonings added - I had to refer back to my Julia Child lessons here and insist on cooking my lentils with aromatic vegetables and some chicken stock to add immediate layers of flavour.

On the flip side to the plain water recipes some suggested cooking the lentils in straight stock. Some even added wine to the mix - I may have gone with straight stock (i just didn't have enough on hand)

...speaking of stock, I've become a total freak about making my own. If anyone's interested in a post on stock making, let me know!

Where was I? Right, cooking the lentils in wine - I just couldn't do it. I totally wanted some wine in the dish but it didn't make sense to me to only have it in the cooking liquid. I added my wine at a point when I could incorporate it into the whole dish.

Some recipes had the fully cooked lentils being added to the separately cooked sausage at the very last minute before serving. I envisioned more melding of the flavours. I figured if I waited to add the two components together at the last minute I'd missing out on an opportunity to allow the lentils to soak up the oils from the chorizo.

So this is what I came up, kind of a combo of what I saw as the best of all the recipes I found.

SeaBass had never had lentils before either...and was disturbed by the look of them when he came home - he's getting a little suspicious in his old age. I think he's spending too much time with my Dad.

But he loved them! After slopping down to super-human sized bowls he started feeding me suggestions for more lentil dishes.

As for me, I thought they were pretty damn good - if I do say so myself. The smokiness of the chorizo, the slight sweetness of the onion and garlic, the heat from the chili flakes made their way into every bit of the rich, slightly al dente lentils. The addition of the lentil cooking water blends everything together and adds even more lentil flavour. I love the pop of each individual lentil in your mouth.

This is a totally simple dish that I will be cooking again and again.

Chorizo and Lentils

1 cup lentils

3 cups liquid (I used a combo of chicken stock and water)

1 whole carrot

2 whole celery stalks (with leaves)

1/2 bay leaf

1 tbsp olive oil

handful of chili flakes

2 links sweet chorizo

1 white onion diced

3 gloves garlic finely diced

good splash of white wine

Add lentils, liquid (stalk, water or combo), carrot, celery and bay leaf to pot.

Bring lentils to boil uncovered.

Cover and turn heat down to low.

Allow to simmer for 15-20 mins (the lentils will still be very firm).

While lentils are cooking heat olive oil and chili flakes in deep saute pan or pot.

Add onion and garlic to pan and saute until translucent.

Dice chorizo and add to pan.

Saute until chorizo is cooked through.

Remove from heat until lentils are cooked.

When lentils are ready return chorizo to heat.

Add splash of white wine to deglaze pan.

Allow to cook down for a couple of minutes.

Drain liquid from lentils. Reserve liquid.

Remove carrot, celery, etc. from lentils.

Add lentils to pan with chorizo.

Add 1/2 cup of liquid from lentils.

Cook on low heat until lentils reach desired consistency.

Continue to add liquid if needed to keep the mixture loose and stew like.

how long?

2010-03-02T13:52:00.000-05:00

How long will I keep looking out the window, seeing Mom's car and thinking, "She's home from work."

How many more times will I hear Dad talking to his Sugar Dog in the bedroom and assume he's chatting to Mom?

When will I stop reaching for the phone; either to call Her or to dial her number?

i have a problem (the offal edition)

2010-03-02T09:14:00.000-05:00

lord help me if I didn't just buy a cow's stomach.

Tripe if you want to be delicate about it.

I like the shock value of "cow stomach" personally.

It happened like this; just the other day I was thinking, "cow stomach - interesting. I'd like to try cooking that sometime. Of course, I'll never find it up here. Oh well, probably for the better."

And then BAM! I was drawn like a magnet to the three or four packages of tripe in the meat section.

It's true, saw it from like a mile away.

Damn I was happy. I felt all warm and fuzzy and excited.

SeaBass was stunned and amazed....and grossed out.

Is there a known theory of strange meat/offal attraction?

Now here I sit with my cow stomach (not literally - it's in the fridge. I stopped hugging it some moments after the discovery.) And I'm no longer sure what I'm going to do with my prize.

Please send help.

top chef experiment: take eight (soft scrambled egg with shitake and oyster sauce)

2010-02-28T15:01:00.001-05:00

I've been wanting to try this recipe since I saw Anita Lo make it on Top Chef Masters.

Top Chef Masters is, by the way, relatively new to me because I, as a Canadian, am treated to second rate television programming and am forced to wait patiently for my Bravo produced food porn until it is picked up by the Canadian Food Network.

Yes, I realize I could just watch it online. I get some sick pleasure from making myself wait.

So yeah, I watched Anita make this dish - with one hand tied behind her back - and it just seemed so beautiful and simple and elegant. Many of the Masters' dishes have intimidated me but this one just called out to me to try.

...I also tried out Art Smith's fried chicken this week - I'd say it went over pretty well since I had none left to photograph. It even won my dad over!

But back to Anita's egg dish. It was definitely the most simple of all the Top Chef dishes I've attempted thus far and it is definitely one of the tastiest. The slight Asian flavour of the oyster sauce is beautiful in the creamy eggs and the meaty shitakes are a wonderful contrast.

A plating explanation:

I tried to plate the dish the same way Chef Lo did. The problem? Chefs have these fancy tools that seem to just cleanly pop the tops off the eggs and leave you with a nice clean edge and a lovely little egg bowl for you dish.

I had only a sharp knife a tiny bit of patience. This is what I ended up with - the ghetto egg cup.

......damn, maybe I should have just tried to play it off like I was going for a rustic plating?

I heartily suggest everyone give these eggs a try. Delicious and simple.

Soft Scrambled Eggs with Shitake and Oyster Sauce

adapted from recipe by Anita Lo found on Bravotv.com

4 eggs (tops removed and bottoms saved if you want to be ghetto-fancy)

1/3 cup heavy cream

*1 tbsp chives chopped

1 tbsp oyster sauce

s&p

3 tbsp butter

4 shitake caps very finely diced

*I couldn't find chives so I used the green parts of scallions.

Whisk together eggs, cream, chives, oyster sauce.

Taste and season with s&p.

In saute pan melt 3 tbsp. butter over high heat.

Add shitakes to butter.

Season with s&p.

Remove from heat.

Add eggs to pan with mushrooms.

Over low heat whisk egg mixture slowly to form curds.

Stop when eggs are still soft and creamy.

Garnish with chopped chives.

two days late and one top chef challenge post short

2010-02-22T19:11:00.002-05:00

So I was totally determined to have a recipe ready for this month's Chef it Yourself Top Chef challenge (Anamaris chooses random ingredients and you go to town coming up with the best dish you can create.)

I actually did manage to come up with a dish and get it prepared by the deadline - despite my stupid messed up finger, which is making me so f$#@ing clumsy!

I'm actually pretty sure my injured digit is acting independently of the rest of my hand as payback for being dumb enough to stick it in a plugged in appliance meant to pulverize food items.

Anyways, like I said, I finished the dish and then left to walk the puppies, deciding I would photograph and post when I got home.

And then I fell through the ice....into the water.

No fear faithful readers, it wasn't very deep (otherwise I wouldn't have been out there - I do have some common sense. I'm not sure where it's vacationing this week but I do have some.)

I was soaked up to about the butt area and we were luckily close to home so I walked as fast possible with soggy boots and frozen stiff pants back to the house - with SeaBass laughing his own dry butt off behind me. He's such a comfort.

The upshot of the situation is that by the time I got dry and warm and comfortable again it was night.

And this is what it looks like when I try to shoot food at night

It looks poopy and I will not settle for it. I determined to give up the competition deadline and re-shoot the next day.

Which is when Sugar Dog got attacked by another meanie dog at the local dog park leaving her with some serious gashes (this is after the oven cleaning extravaganza.)

This brings me to today. And now I'm ready. Are you?

This month's ingerdients were: ginger, dates and couscous. Totally out of my element but I was pretty happy with what I made. My measurements are pretty loose because I was really still playing with the dish but I'd like to share it anyways.

Maple Glazed Pork Loin Chops with Date Sauce and Toasted Couscous with Pine Nuts

3 Pork Loin Chops

Glaze
1/4 cup olive oil
1 clove garlic minced
2 tbsp maple syrup
a couple dashes of hot sauce
1 tsp red wine vinegar
1/4 tsp red wine vinegar
s&p to taste

Mix ingredients together and pour over pork.
Allow to marinate 3 hours to overnight.

Date Sauce
1 tbsp olive oil

1 onion finely diced
2 cloves garlic finely diced
1 cup chopped pitted dates
2 tbsp balsamic vinegar
1 tbsp grated ginger
candied ginger (optional)
1 tsp chipotle pepper
1/4 tsp smoked paprika
1 1/4 cup chicken stock
season with s&p

Saute onion and garlic in olive oil in sauce pot.
Add in dates, balsamic vinegar, ginger, chipotle and paprika.
Stir and allow to saute for a moment.
Add in chicken stock and allow sauce to reduce to desired consistency.
Season with s&p.
Blend sauce to a smooth consistency.

Couscous
1 cup couscous
1/4 cup pine nuts toasted (or slivered almonds toasted)
1 tsp orange juice
1/4 tsp orange zest
1 tbsp. butter
s&p

Prepare couscous as directed.
Saute prepared couscous and toasted pine nuts (or almonds) in pan with butter.
Stir in orange juice and zest.
Season with s&p.

happy 101

2010-02-22T15:41:00.001-05:00

Anamaris from Chef It Yourself kindly gifted me with the Happy 101 Award. I continue to be amazed every time a fellow blogger takes the time out to include me.

Thanks Anamaris!

The award is, well, all about taking joy in blogging. Rules are to list 10 things that make you happy and to pass the award along to joyous bloggers that I enjoy reading.

First things first. 10 things that make me happy:

1. SeaBass - the person not the fish. Although I do enjoy the fish. So I guess either one; both are tasty!

2. All my animals - I like them better than most humans and I'm not afraid to admit it.

3. Food - cooking it, eating it, discussing it, shopping for it, researching it, looking at it...I could go on.

4. My family - I am so incredibly blessed by the folks in my immediate and extended family. I know how lucky I am.

5. Pop culture - I'm completely and utterly fascinated by all things pop. Ask anyone who knows me, they'll tell you how much of my brain capacity is taken up by useless pop facts.

6. Spring - I love watching the world re-awake after a winter's hibernation.

7. Music - Old favourites, new discoveries. It's a passion.

8. Sleep - It's my favourite hobby. I'm very good at it.

9. A good book.

10. Quiet. I love peace and quiet. Unnecessary noise hurts me.

And now my happy bloggers:

Heiko of Path to Self Sufficiency

Elizabeth at Guilty Kitchen

The Chickenless Kitchen

a case for home cooking

2010-02-21T18:23:00.001-05:00

For Valentine's Day SeaBass gave me a Garland gas stove.

Actually it wasn't really for Valentine's Day. SeaBass knew a guy who had this stove to get rid of and it just so happened that it was delivered to me on that most false of holidays.

Today I took the first of what it appears will be many steps to clean my present and make it again the culinary beauty it once was.

I did not know that so much grease could accumulate on one surface.

I felt like I was in a movie with a creature rising from the black ooze in front of me.

Mostly I was frightened. I continue to be frightened.

You see, this stove comes via a restaurant kitchen. An actual public eatery. Some people paid to eat food that was cooked on this horror show of an appliance.

I don't know what restaurant it was. I don't know who the chef might have been.

I do know that when you add lemon scented cleaner to the aromas of stale grease you get an overwhelming perfume of lemon fish.

I pray to the Ontario Public Health Units. I pray to Gordon Ramsay in all his Kitchen Nightmare Glory. I pray that whoever is responsible for that mess is no longer serving the public in any food related form.

And I think it might be some time before I feel safe in a restaurant again.

top chef experiment: take seven (flat iron steak, mascarpone bechamel, tomato sauce and parmesan)

2010-02-18T16:05:00.000-05:00

Wow! It took me sooo long to write this post.

(Also, please forgive any typos as I'm typing with an index finger the size of a sausage. As for typos in any other of my posts? Well, I'm just not that into reviewing my work...it's called laziness people.)

I did manage to complete the Top Chef meal that was so abruptly interrupted by my kitchen appliance related misadventure last night. And I will say it was well worth it.

I'll admit that I didn't include the herb puree pictured here on our actual supper plates just because it's the element of the dish that I was working on when I did the stupidest thing ever and I really couldn't stand eating with it anywhere near me...it does look nice on the plate though!

This is the first dish of Jenn Carroll's that I've cooked during my Top Chef experimentations. There is something about her style that intimidates me - and this dish certainly includes a lot of elements for one plate (at least for a home cook like me.)

I am extremely happy that I decided to tackle this recipe though.

This was Jenn's version of a deconstructed meatloaf (though it seems more like a deconstructed meat lasagna to me - either way, it's good so I'm not complaining.)

The tomato sauce is the best sauce I've ever made...and so simple, so very, very simple. I was licking that stuff off my plate.

The bechamel was brilliant and a perfect balance to the basic flavours of the tomato. I am always a fan of adding chilis to my Italian cooking, so this bechamel made perfect sense in my mind (and in my mouth.)

The lasagna tossed in lemon butter lifted all the other flavours and added an element of freshness.

And of course, a well sauteed steak never goes amiss.

The outcome of this dish is worth the effort for sure.

Another word about the sauce: If you try cooking nothing else from this recipe, make the sauce! I beg you! I love it so much that I plan to make it again on its own as a soup. I might add something akin to the bechamel to make a cream of tomato.

I'm drooling.

Flat Iron Steak, Mascarpone Bechamel, Tomato Sauce and Parmesan

adapted from Jenn Carroll's recipe on bravotv.com

Tomato Sauce

1/2 head garlic finely sliced

2 shallots sliced

1/4 lb butter

1/2 bottle white wine

1 16 oz. can san marzano tomatoes with juicw

Sweat garlic and shallots in a large saucepot until transluscent.

Deglaze the pot with wine and reduce mixture.

Add tomatoes and juice and cook out acidity.

Blend until smooth.

Pass through chinois.

Season with s&p.

Bechamel

1/8 lb butter

1/8 lb flour

1 cup milk

1/2 cup mascarpone cheese

*1/2 cup creme fraiche

pinch nutmeg

Combine butter and flour in a pot to make a roux.

Cook out flour.

Slowly add milk whisking constantly.

Simmer until thick.

Whisk in mascarpone and creme fraiche.

Season with nutmeg, s&p and crushed chili flakes to taste.

Herb Puree

1/2 bunch fresh parsley

1/2 bunch fresh basil

1/2 bunch fresh oregano

Blanch herbs in salted water.

Shock in ice bath and drain.

Blend until smooth.

Season with s&p.

Pasta

*4 sheets of fresh lasagna

1/4 lb butter

juice and zest of 1/2 lemon

Cook pasta.

Melt butter and mix in lemon juice and zest.

Toss cooked pasta in lemon butter.

*The original recipe calls for handmade pasta. I intended to make my own but the mangled hand demanded that I take a store bought shortcut.

Steak

8 oz. flatiron beef (2 steak portions)

ground chili flakes or very finely diced hot pepper

Heat pan on stovetop.

Dry steak thoroughly.

Season with S&p.

When pan is well heated add steak.

Sear on all sides and cook to medium rare.

To Plate

Lay tomato sauce on plate.

Steak on top of sauce.

Pool bechamel on either side of steak.

Lay lasagna on top of steak.

Herb puree on lasagna.

Garnish plate with grated parmesan and pecorino.

injuries and irony

2010-02-17T13:25:00.000-05:00

Anyone out there ever consider how ironic the name "hand blender" would be if, say, some careless moron happened to stick there fingers in said appliance while it was still plugged in?

No?

Me neither. Until late last night after spending hours in the emergency room and getting my finger all stitched up.

That's when the irony of my idiocy hit me.

I should have been posting my latest Top Chef experiment today but unfortunately I since I decided to mangle my left index finger mid-prep last night the post (and the meal) will have to wait 'til tomorrow.

Though I did manage to complete my bechamel before heading to the hospital. I'm nothing if not dedicated!

I'm not sure where my head was at last night. I use that blender all the time and I'm always super diligent about unplugging it before going near the blades. I figure with all the cooking I do though, I'm bound to end up with injuries every now and then. This is actually only the second time I've done major damage to myself - the last time was two years ago when I grabbed a pot out of a 500 degree oven and ended up with 2nd degree burns on my palm.

....please don't tell anyone but in some sick and twisted way I'm actually kind of proud of my battle scars. They make me feel hardcore.

What the hell is wrong with me?

It's probably because my injuries have been relatively minor both times. Two stitches and a ripped up finger nail is relatively minor, right?

So what was I thinking about last night as I sat in emerg waiting for as patiently as possible for the one doctor on duty to take a look at me?

I need a new hand blender. The mangled finger proved one thing to me; my blender is obviously lacking in power. I mean, come on! I stuck my hand right in there and all I ended up with was two stitches? Weak. Weak is what that is!

7 months (207 days)

2010-02-15T14:38:00.000-05:00

Maybe there is something symbolic about passing the six month mark, being a full half a year removed from the most painful moment of my life.

Maybe I've made some great emotional leaps forward in the past 30 days.

Maybe I'm reaching a new phase of grieving.

But mostly I think it's just residual Cuba afterglow.

Whatever the reason, I feel very much removed from where I was at one month ago even.

I can get through some 24 hour periods without suffering mini-breakdowns. I can more often refer to my mother without immediate tears. I have, if not more, than at least as many good days as bad.

It's not even that I am so much more emotionally stable or well adjusted than I was one month ago; it's more that I've been able to take a step back and admit that this sucks and I am not okay.

Just admitting that I'm not alright has allowed me the freedom to let some of the pain go and try to put myself back together.

I'm not trying to say that everything is perfect now. On the contrary, there is a lot of work to be done but at least I feel like I'm moving forwards now.

I miss my Mother as much, if not more, than ever.

But I miss Her with an acceptance of Her new place in my life.

.....anti-anxiety meds help too!

blargh. i suck.

2010-02-10T15:29:00.001-05:00

could someone please explain to me why I became unhappy with my simple little blogger page and decided I needed to create a website?

Anyone?

I hate myself.....and I hate webpages.

good things come in threes

2010-02-09T17:06:00.000-05:00

Just found out that Sook from My Fabulous Recipes nominated me for a Kreativ Blogger award.

I'd like to pass on the award to all the blogs I mentioned in my previous "awards season" post.

They all deserve it. Their creativity is the reason I enjoy their blogs!

awards season

2010-02-09T14:53:00.000-05:00

Last week I was given two really great awards for my rambling little blog here.

I really appreciate both of these awards because they recognize that I try to put a piece of my honest self out there every time I post something.

The fact that anyone out there is responding to what I have to say is really amazing to me. It continues to amaze me with every comment I receive or reader who joins the list of "followers".

The first one I received, the Circle of Friends came from Heiko of Path to Self Sufficiency. This award really celebrates making true friendships through the blogosphere. It's these kinds of connections that keep me blogging....and keep me sane.

Heiko has been a supporter of mine from almost the beginning and I look forward to his every comment. I am honoured to be in his circle of friends!

So, it's time for me to pass the award on to 5 bloggers in my own circle of friends - the problem with awards like this is that I automatically want to give it back to the person who gave it to me - but I'll be strong and resist creating an inbred cycle of award reciprocation.

The most amazing thing to me about these bloggers is that we all initially connected through a love of food but they've all taken the time to support me through the other things I blog about and for that I consider them good friends and wonderful people.

TastyTrix - Trix is always there for me. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to thank her enough for all the support through my grieving process. Plus, she writes one heck of a food blog!

Chickenless Kitchen - The Chickenless Chick was one of my earliest supporters and I'll never forget her for it. I look forward to her comments and to reading her blog.

All Top Chef - This blog is maintained by more than one author and more than one of them has taken the time to write me and help me through my struggles. I am grateful!

SoCal Sustenance - Laura is a great writer blogging about food out in sunny California. Our relationship is the thing I love about the blogosphere; we're so far apart geographically but it's no bar to the connection we've created.

Foodie and the Everyman - Porscha is a brilliant food blogger who shares my obsession with charcuterie and also my hometown. I love her perspective, her fearlessness in the kitchen and her info on local foodie treasures.

The second award I received, the Honest Scrap Award, came from Kirsten of Kirsten's Kitchen.

I appreciate this award because it recognizes bloggers who write about themselves honestly. I'm not always sure that my honesty is going to be well received, all I know is that I'm not capable of writing any other way.

For this award I have to list 10 honest things about myself and pass the award on to 5 other bloggers.

This is pressure. Do you have any idea how long it is going to take me to write this list? I've already been considering it for days. I can babble away with total transparency, but to consciously think about making a list about myself? Torture.

1. I am almost totally oblivious to my external surroundings the majority of the time...too wrapped up in my own head.

2. I was so obsessed with Pearl Jam as a teenager that for years I couldn't listen to them anymore...Now I can again.

3. My brother married the younger sister of two of the coolest brothers from our high school...I feel like a total 16 year old nerd around them.

4. I like the act of cooking much more than I like the eating.

5. I had my first major depression in Grade Five...I remember it clearly.

6. I don't remember a lot of my childhood though...it's all pretty fuzzy.

7. I have total body dysmorphia, always have....spent my whole life thinking I was fat - apparently I was the only one.

8. I have an annoying array of recurring dreams...none of them are conducive to a good night's sleep.

9. I have a hard time letting go of the past...I think it's because I'm always so wrapped up in my mind that I'm never living in the moment - when the moment is gone I struggle to get it back.

10. If I give myself the opportunity I will edit, re-arrange and analyze this list endlessly...I will not give myself the opportunity (I don't let myself edit my blog writing either.)

I will pass on this award to:

Racing Thoughts Unlimited - This is my cousin's blog...apparently filterless honesty is genetic.

One Hungry Chef - It's the honest perspective of a real life chef that I enjoy here.

Salty Seattle - I love the tone of the blog...and the food.

Tasty Trix - Her personality comes through in every post.

Guilty Kitchen - Good writing and good food...what else is there to say?

oven baked ribs

2010-02-09T12:15:00.000-05:00

I've only cooked ribs a few times in my life. All these times occurring within the last 6 months or so....you know, since the pork obsession began. Every time I've done them I've stuck with the same method:

dry rub applied and left to marinate overnight

baked or barbecued

georgia style barbecue sauce cooked up and applied at the end

That's the way I like my ribs, traditional and sloppy, messy.

Did you know that not everyone likes vinegary, tomato-ey, spicy barbecue sauce though?

It's a difficult concept for me but I'm nothing if not accommodating to the pickiness (read: obvious lack of refined palate and any real culinary appreciation) of SeaBass and other family members, so I thought I'd try something a bit different this time.

I came up with this marinade for my ribs and I must say, I'm pretty pleased. A nice balance of sweet and spicy, I still manage to get my vinegar content and the addition of lemon really lifts the whole thing and gives it some freshness.

The nice thing about this marinade is it's not overwhelming in it's raw form so you can really get in there and taste it as you're putting together and adjust it to your liking.

I just kept playing until I was satisfied...the honey was a total afterthought but I think it really helped to create the sugary glaze the ribs ended up with.

So, give the recipe a try....and play with it!

Oven Baked Ribs

1 rack pork ribs

3/4 cup brown sugar

1/4 cup cider vinegar

zest of one lemon

1 tbsp lemon juice

6 cloves garlic chopped

2 tbsp kosher salt

2 tsp paprika

2 tsp pepper

1 tbsp honey

1/8 tsp cinnamon

1/8 tsp nutmeg

Mix all ingredients together.

Pour over rack of ribs in a shallow dish.

cover ribs with saran wrap and refrigerate overnight.

Preheat oven to 300 degrees.

Cover ribs with foil and bake on middle rack for 3 hours or until meat is tender and bones slide easily away from meat.

Remove foil for the last 1/2 hour of cooking time.

Baste ribs with juices in the dish every 30 minutes while baking.

Note: I actually had just a dash of cloves in my original version of the recipe but I'm totally not a fan of cloves and even the minute amount I had in the marinade bugged the crap out of me so I've omitted it here....if you like cloves though, I'd totally add it back in.

Karma Marketplace Grand Opening

2010-02-08T16:43:00.002-05:00

This past Thursday I attended the grand (re) opening of Karma Marketplace here in Penetang celebrating the stores move to a new downtown location.

I learned about Karma Marketplace only a few months ago when I began my search for local food and a way to become involved in promoting the area I live in and the incredible number of farmers and food producers that reside here. When I reached out to Simcoe County Farm Fresh for help in my mission they immediately referred me to Karma Marketplace and owner Erin Chappelle.

In the few months that I've known Erin I've seen the energy she brings to her store and to so many community projects that Erin is integrally involved in. She has really inspired me and I am excited about working on projects together in the near future.

In Erin's mind Karma Marketplace is a symbol of the community at large and should serve as a place for the community to support and strengthen itself through buying local and with consumer integrity.

Two years ago Erin Chappelle began Karma Marketplace in a cozy storefront location in down Penetang. Over the past two years, the store, its stock, its customer base and its purpose int he community has grown to such an extent that Erin felt the time was right to make the move to a larger, more accommodating space.

Erin originally envisioned Karma as a showcase for what she calls "Fair Trade Art" made by artisans, and friends, in El Salvador as well as local artists. While there is no legal "Fair Trade" certification for artwork or crafts (as there is for coffee or tea) Erin and her featured artisans cooperate in the spirit of Fair Trade with no middlemen or markups. It seemed a natural extension of her vision for the store to begin stocking Fair Trade coffees and teas as well.

More recently the scope of the store grew again to include an inventory of local, organic meats, local produce and prepared foods made by local chefs.

As the store's product range expanded the vision for Karma Marketplace grew as well. This included a weekly karma tei kei box filled with available local produce and edible treats for puchase and a dream to see Karma Marketplace as a catalyst for community involvement and local change.keep reading

Thursday night was the celebration of what has already been accomplished and what future accomplishments the newer, larger space will facilitate.

After a chance for both long time and new customers to survey the new location, a space that while much larger than the old one, still maintains the same feeling of cozy, relaxed friendliness. There was also an opportunity to sample some of the store's goods from the local purveyors, including meat pies and tourtieres from Josh Belanger of Belanger's Organic Farm and Belly Ice Cream by Shelley Westgarth and art by local artist

Then Erin spoke to the assembled group about her vision for Karma Marketplace, reiterating the store's philosophy "You get what you give because what goes around comes around" and the belief that change in the world at large can begin by choosing to support the community you live in.

Representatives from Simcoe County Farm Fresh and Fair Trade Barrie were also given the opportunity to explain their unique perspectives on what Karma Marketplace has to offer and how the Karma perspective strengthens both local and global economies.

Karma Marketplace then took one more step to fulfilling the goal of community transformation. The eco-space (a large space connected to the storefront that will be left open for groups and events as needed) played host to the its first community event, the inaugural meeting for Transition Town: Huronia.

Now, Transition Town deserves a post (or multiple) of its own. I will just say here that the movement is a well recognized attempt to plan for the advent of peak oil prices.

The night was an amazing success and really strengthened the belief that it is possible to change yourself, your community and your world if you just keep in mind that "you get what you give because what goes around comes around."

How many of you know of a local food box program in your area?

Are any of you involved in Transition Town initiatives?

What movements are gaining momentum where you live?

top chef experiment: take six (braised pork with soy mustard sauce and peanuts)

2010-02-04T13:02:00.001-05:00

First off I'd like to state that it's actually not my fault that I keep returning to my beloved pork for these Top Chef recipes. As I comb through this season's recipe files I'm actually amazed that I didn't notice just how often the chefs (not just Kevin) were working with the delicious pig. The recipes involving pork also tend to be the ones that seem most accessible to the home cook.

So there, I'm not being biased....not totally anyways.

For this week's experiment I wanted to take on another of the elimination challenge winners. So Michael Voltaggio's lettuce wrapped, asian influenced braised pork was calling my name.

I love a good lettuce wrap. And this one was definitely not a disappointment. I loved every bite of it.

Once again I found myself questioning some of the individual components of the dish (specifically the glaze for the pork) but when everything came together it was perfection.

I should really just suck it up, admit that my palate is inferior and stop questioning the professionals!

Michael's recipe called for smoked slab bacon which, damn small town shopping, I could not find on that particular day, so I used a piece of smoked pork shoulder instead. Yummy!

The crushed peanuts with cayenne and ginger were a delicious topping. I'm not a big fan of ginger but paired with the cayenne it was created a beautiful boost to the roasted peanut flavour.

I ate so many of these wraps! I love a dish you can just put out and allow people to put together as they choose. It's definitely one I will be keeping in my reserves.

Without further ado I give you:

Braised Pork with Soy Mustard Sauce and Peanuts

(adapted from Michael Votaggio's Top Chef recipe on bravotv.com)

1 1/2 lb. piece smoked pork shoulder

1/4 cup sesame oil

1 onion sliced

1 carrot diced

2 sticks celery chopped

3/4 gallon water

1/2 quart soy sauce

1/4 cup whole grain mustard

1/8 cup yellow mustard

1/8 cup ginger powder

1/2 cup roasted peanuts crushed

1/2 tsp cayenne pepper

1 head romaine lettuce

1/4 cup honey

1/8 cup cornstarch mixed with 1/2 cup water

1/4 cup Indian style mango chutney

Preheat oven to 275 degrees.

Score the skin of the pork shoulder creating cross cuts along the surface.

Heat sesame oil in large, deep oven safe dish or pot.

Sear the pork skin side down in sesame oil until browned.

Flip pork over and add vegetables to pot.

Add water and 1/2 the amount of powdered ginger.

Cover with foil and place in oven for 2 hours.

While pork is cooking mix soy sauce, mustards, honey, mango chutney, remaining powdered ginger and 1/2 quart water.

Bring to simmer and allow to reduce for 20 minutes.

Add cornstarch and water mixture a little at a time to thicken liquid to a glaze.

When pork has cooked, remove from braising liquid and brush with glaze.

Slice pork into thin pieces.

Mix crushed peanuts with cayenne and ginger powder to taste.

Separate leaves of romaine.

To Eat

Place slices of pork in romaine leaf.

Spoon more glaze over top.

Sprinkle peanuts on top.

I served everything as pictured, with a bowl of the glaze on the side to add as wanted. Casual, delicious dining.

medianoche

2010-02-03T18:28:00.001-05:00

It's been more than a week now since I returned from Cuba. There have definitely been some emotional ups and downs and a struggle to hold on to the peace I felt in my beachside isolation.

I've come away with at least one amazing thing though. I am able now to think of Mom without gut wrenching pain and loneliness or seething anger at her loss. This happened first in Cuba. I would remember things or ask Her questions, or share with Her what I was seeing and feeling. And I was doing it without any sense of panic or trauma. I was a little surprised that it continued when I got home - but so far, so good!

I'm still looking into therapy though!

I have definitely been wanting to cook since returning and I've got a few dishes stored up to post about (including a Top Chef recipe to be posted tonight or tomorrow.)

The first time I visited Cuba a few years ago I had the most amazing sandwiches. The filling was nothing special, just ham and a mild swiss like cheese. But the bread, the bread was amazing! Sweet and dense and soft and chewy. I've never had another sandwich like it!

Later, I learned about the medianoche, that combination of the typical Cuban bread, cheese and ham (often with pickles) yet somehow I never experienced the likes of it again.

This trip was my third to Cuba and again I was disappointed. I think the problem is that resorts in Cuba try very hard to cater to their North American clientele. Thereby draining themselves of anything typically Cuban.

In any case, I returned home from Cuba determined to taste that yumminess one more time. I'm pretty pleased with these results (I've tried more than one recipe for pan Cubano since my first taste of Cuban bread.)

And so, I give you the Medianoche

Pan Cubano

(adapted from TasteofCuba.com)

Starter

3/4 tsp active dry yeast

1/3 cup warm water
1/3 cup bread or all-purpose flour

The starter should be made the day before baking the bread.

Dissolve yeast in water.

Allow to form into a thick paste.

Then add the flour.

Cover with plastic wrap and refrigerate for 24 hours minimum or several days (starter can also be frozen if it's made ahead of time.)

Dough
4 1/2 tsp active dry yeast

1 tbsp sugar
1 1/2 cups warm water
3 to 4 tbsp lard or solid vegetable shortening, at room temperature
1/2 batch starter (see above recipe)
1 tbsp salt
4 to 5 cups bread or all-purpose flour

Dissolve yeast and sugar in 3tbsp water in large bowl.

Let sit 5-10 mins. until it becomes foamy.

Stir in lard, remaining water and the 1/2 batch of starter.

Mix well by hand.

Stir in salt and flour one cup at a time.

Dough should become stiff enough to knead.

Turn dough onto floured surface and knead until smooth and elastic adding flour as necessary (5-10 mins).

Dough should not be sticky.

Transfer dough to oiled bowl.

Cover bowl and let rise in warm spot until doubled (approx. 1 hour)

When dough has doubled punch down and divide into 4 equal pieces.

Roll each piece into foot long tube with rounded ends.

Place on baking sheets 6 inches apart.

Cover with damp dish cloths and let rise again until doubled (approx 1 hour).

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Bake for 30 minutes or until golden brown on top and sounding hollow when tapped.

Medianoche

1 loaf pan Cubano

slices cooked ham

slices roast pork

sliced swiss cheese

* pickles (optional)

mustard/mayo (optional)

* I used bread and butter pickles that I canned in the summer but you could certainly use whatever type of pickle you favour.

Layer pan Cubano with cheese, meats, pickles and mustard/mayo.

Press in panini press or, if you don't have one, lay sandwich in saute pan and cover with heavy object to press the sandwich.

Serve hot.

2010-01-29T14:32:00.000-05:00

I came home from my holiday feeling refreshed and invigorated.

I am desperately trying to hold on to those feelings but they seem to be slipping through my fingers.

I'm sliding back into the cycle of grief, guilt and anxiety.

I am sleeping my days away to escape facing reality. I am feeling physically ill and yet I can clearly recall how healthy I felt in the sun and heat of Cuba.

This is not to say that the vacation was not helpful. It gave me time to realize how I might help myself.

One thing I realized on this vacation - it's time for some therapy.

I have no on/off switch on my anxiety. I don't sleep well at night because my mind is whirring away with random thoughts and worries. As a result I'm not fully awake during the day and so I cannot get anything accomplished. And all the while, through every 24 hour period I am in a low state of panic and strangling guilt.

adventures in cuba

2010-01-28T17:25:00.000-05:00

My "relaxing" vacation began with me missing my flight.

That's right, I said "missing my flight." Not sure where the blame lies so I place it nowhere but basically SeaBass booked the trip for me and he said I'd be leaving Tuesday the 18th, which I took at face value - until 2 hours before my flight time on MONDAY the 18th when I suddenly realized the date mix-up

p.s. we live 2 hours from the airport.

So, long story short I had to find my own way to Cuba and to the resort. There were no flights going out the next day to the closest airport so I took one to Havana, which is only 3 or 4 hours away and readied myself for adventure.

I wrote SeaBass the morning after I arrived to fill him in. And now I'll share it with you all.

It's a good story

hey baby,

well, I'm here. I got here at 10:00 last night - that's 8 hours to make a 3 hour journey.
More accurately, that's 4 drivers and 8 hours for a 3 hour drive.

When I got off the plane the airport folks were very helpful and suggested I go to the bus station to get to Santa Clara (the town - the resort is about an hour outside) so, no problem, the helpful guy finds me a driver and we head to the station (25 pesos.) When I get there I'm greeted by a driver (not a bus driver, just some dude with a car) but he seemed really nice (although he didn't speak a word of english) and so we started out. About 5 minutes into the drive he pulls over where a bunch of people are standing looking for rides. He picks up some guy he knows (who happened to be a cuban police officer - in uniform!) and the cop and his gun join us for the ride.

Everything's going along smoothly, when suddenly the car breaks down in the left lane on the highway. No small mechanical problem this, the car was dead! An hour later 2 more guys with cars show up (I have no idea if the cop and the driver knew them or not) and the cop gets in one car and the other guy hooks up the dead car to a tow rope and drives me and my broken-down driver in to town.

I really missed my uniformed cop and the security of the gun at this point.

We drop off my broken down driver and car and the new guy and I carry on. Then we get in to a small fishing town about 1/2 hour from the resort ( I was in the town before, I recognized the giant stone crab in the town square.) We get sort of pulled over by local cops 'cause the driver is driving around aimlessly (while I tried not to look worried and confused.) I had to duck from the cops 'cause tourists are not allowed to be driven around my random dudes - only "taxi officiel" is supposed to drive them. So my driver gets all kinds of nervous and asks me (no english at all so there was a lot of hand gestures and confusion) if I can stay in the town over night and he'll find me a ride in the morning.

Then I lost my patience - in a super nice and calm way and tried to seem very sweet and touristy and said, "no, I have to go tonight. My family will be worried, they're at the hotel" so, he gets even more nervous about the cops and drives us to a very poor looking building (poor even compared to the rest of town) he leaves me in the car and goes up to an apartment.

About 10 minutes later he finally comes back and tells me he found me a taxi officiel.

Hooray! another 10 minutes and the taxi driver shows up. 1/2 later and I'm at the resort.

The reception desk at the resort didn't have any notes on my situation so they made me pay for the night!....no worries it got all sorted out today and I got my money back.

Doesn't matter - the place is beautiful. I love my room and the staff is amazing.

p.s. yesterday was such a long day that until i started writing i had totally forgotten about driving along with a cuban policeman! holy crap what an adventure!

more top chef food porn

2010-01-26T11:00:00.001-05:00

Not yet sure what day it is, what time it is or what country I'm in having just returned VERY late last night (i.e. the darkest hours of pre-dawn) and being so over tired, having not yet slept...

I'm not even sure anything I just wrote makes any sense at all!

But I wanted to pass on a link to a blog dedicated to all things Top Chef, the aptly titled All Top Chef. There you will find enough Top Chef related info to keep you satiated until the next season begins.

And (now for a little shameless self promotion) you will also find guest posts from yours truly summarizing my adventures in Top Chef cookery.

Top Chef fans rejoice!

top chef experiment: take five (roasted pork loin with polenta, dandelion greens and rutabaga)

2010-01-18T19:34:00.000-05:00

I had every intention of making two Top Chef dishes this week, to make up for the fact that I'll be away enjoying the relaxation of warmth and sunshine for the next seven days.

That didn't happen.

I'll explain to you exactly why that didn't happen when I return home safely from my week of all-inclusive solitude. Let me leave you hanging a little by saying simply that I have not yet even begun my journey to my resort destination and already the unforseen adventures and mishaps are beginning.

p.s. Have I mentioned that this will be my first time ever traveling alone?

So, I hope you will all forgive my absence next week and grant me grace based on the fact that this particular dish involved the most multi-tasking and completion of independent components that I have yet endeavoured to master.

This is my first attempt at one of Brian V.'s dishes. It was also the elimination challenge winner from the fifth episode.

I had high hopes for it even though I'm not a super-huge pork chop fan (pork chop makes me think dry and lacking in flavour.)

I'm also not a big fan of dandelion greens (too bitter)....or rutabaga (a staple in Newfie boiled dinner and therefore forever tainted in my mind) for that matter.

I do love me some polenta though!

The fact that I am not enamored of the main ingredients in this dish is actually what drew me to it. I wanted to be challenged to open myself up to flavours that I typically wouldn't consider cooking or ordering on a menu.

The verdict?

Pork loin? It was moist, tender and yummy. Marinating the loin cut for an hour before hand definitely gave it a texture that I hadn't experienced before.

Dandelion greens? Still overwhelmingly bitter...until combined with the polenta and the pork. Then the bitterness was neutralized and I enjoyed the combination.

Rutabaga? Time to give the turnip a second chance, I say. Also, my love of braised veggies is once more re-affirmed.

Polenta? Always a winner. I'd never had it with mascarpone before. It certainly won't be the last time though.

As a whole dish I have to say this may have been my least favourite so far.

Don't get me wrong, it was good. It just didn't excite me or inspire me in any way. I am reminded of the judges suggesting a kind of safety on Brian's part. I can see it in this dish. It felt safe and standard - good but not special.

Roasted Pork Loin with Polenta, Dandelion and Rutabaga

3 5 oz. center portion pork loin steaks

Marinade

1/4 cup olive oil

1/2 tbsp. black pepper

1/4 tsp smoked paprika

1/4 tsp crushed cumin seeds

1 sprig rosemary

1 clove garlic sliced

6 sprigs thyme

1/2 shallot sliced

sea salt

Polenta

2 cups whole milk

1/2 cup dry polenta

1/8 cup mascarpone

1 tbsp unsalted butter

s&p

Dandelion

1 bunch dandelion greens

zest of 1 lemon

1 1/2 tbsp unsalted butter

1/8 cup red onion diced

1/2 cup oyster mushrooms

Rutabaga

2 rutabaga cut into pieces 1/2 inch high and 1 inch diameter

2 cups chicken stock

1 cup vinegar

1/2 cup sherry

1/2 cup honey

1/2 tbsp unsalted butter

Pork Marinade:

Mix together marinade.

Pour over pork chops and marinate covered in fridge for 1 hour.

Rutabaga:

While pork is marinating heat chicken stock, vinegar, sherry and honey until forms glaze.

Add in butter.

Add in rutabaga and cook until tender (about 30 mins)

Pork:

Remove pork from marinade and dry thoroughly with paper towel.

Sear pork on stove top until medium to medium rare.

Baste pork with butter, rosemary and garlic.

Let rest.

Roast oyster mushrooms in pan with pork fat until browned.

Reserve for plating.

Polenta:

Heat whole milk to simmer and pour in polenta.

Stir constantly for 10-15 mins until desired consistency is reached.

Add in mascarpone and butter.

Season with s&p.

Dandelion:

In small saute pan heat butter to a froth.

Add in red onion and cook until translucent.

Add dandelion and lemon zest.

Cook until braised.

To serve:

Spoon polenta on to plate.

Dandelion greens and mushrooms on top.

Sliced pork on top of that.

Rutabaga on the side.

6 months and 3 days (189 days)

2010-01-18T13:34:00.001-05:00

I am 3 days late with my memorial post this month.

This has nothing to do with any kind of lessening of import of the 15th day of every month.

It has even less to do with any feeling on my part that it might be time to stop marking every second, every minute, every hour, every day without Her.

It does have to do with the fact that life inevitably moves on and no matter how strong my grief is, the force of it still cannot keep the world from turning. I wish that I could crawl into a hole every month on the anniversary - of course I wish that I could crawl into a hole pretty much every day - and some days I do. But for the most part I can't and if I just keep moving I can accept that.

The dark hole isn't going anywhere after all.

So how was this last month for me? I think I will always remember that it took me six months to reach my limit. I kept pushing myself but I'm there. It took Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Years but I'm done.

This month has been filled with growing anger; with ever building resentment; with small annoyances escalating to massive exasperation.

Rationally I know that it is my own imagination, my own sense of guilt, my own ego, that places everything on my shoulders and then causes me to snap when I feel overwhelmed.

Rationalism has no place here.

I feel constantly on edge. The edge is crumbling away beneath me daily.

All of this is going on in my waking hours (long waking hours, since I don't sleep well.)

When I do sleep, I dream.

I dream of my mother and She is alive. She is so alive that every morning (or middle of the night) upon waking I am forced to relive the horrible fact that She is gone.

That's another thing that has happened this month.

I thought I was past the stage of picking up the phone to call Mom or expecting Her to walk through the door. I was so glad that I was done with false hope. But it's back.

I don't pick up the phone to call Her. But when the phone rings I often think it's Her.

When the front door opens in the evenings I turn towards the sound, sure Mom is home from work.

As I walk down the hall at night, I am sure I hear Her breathing in her bed.

I am at my limit.

Last week I booked a vacation finally. I leave tomorrow. Alone, a week alone to think clearly and put things in perspective. Or not. A week to let go and be selfish and let grief take whatever form it will.

Thank you to all of you have been supportive of me and assured me that I deserve this chance to take care of myself. I really don't think I would have booked this trip without you.

beans, beans they're good for your heart...(baked beans and cornbread)

2010-01-13T18:01:00.001-05:00

If you had asked me a year ago I would have told you that I wasn't a huge fan of red meat.

If you had asked me a year ago I would have looked you dead in the eye and said, "I don't eat meat in the form of a tube."

If you had asked me a year ago I would have stared you down and declared, "I hate pig meat."

One year later and I'm hosting wild game dinners, writing recipes featuring chorizo sausage and making my own cured pork.

Obviously a few things have changed.

Here's one more thing I've completely reversed my opinion on - baked beans.

My father often makes baked beans and until recently I would not even sample them. Then one day they started to look very appealing...and taste even better.

So last night I decided to try making them for myself. One thing I wasn't a fan of in my dad's recipe is the salt pork. I don't like the texture of the pork as I'm eating a mouthful of the beans.

Since I happen to be in possession of a fairly large quantity of very fatty cured pork, I thought I'd give my guanciale a shot instead.

It occurred to me that the sweet and salty, aromatic and spicy, melt in your mouth creaminess of the guanciale would really lend itself to the sweet, tart, earthiness of baked beans. Given that I was left with barely enough beans to snap a photo this morning, I'd say my hunch was correct.

The guanciale was distinct from the beans but with every mouthful it melted in my mouth and spread it's creamy porkiness throughout the beans. All of the subtle flavours of the cure on the meat also really came through in the dish and added to the overall flavour.

SeaBass has been after me for some time to make him cornbread and baked beans seemed the perfect reason to do it, so I whipped up a batch flavoured with jalapeno and cheddar to sop up the sauce of the beans. The jalapeno lent a very mild spice to cornbread and accented the mild chili spice of the guanciale. The cheddar added a nice creaminess to the cornbread.

Which is the more reasonable question

A) How did I go 30 years thinking baked beans were disgusting?

B) What the hell has been going on with my appetite since turning 30?

Baked Beans

2 cups navy beans

1/2 lb. guanicale (or bacon, salt pork or combo)

1 onion diced

6 tbsp. molasses

4 tsp. salt

1/2 tsp. ground black pepper

1/2 tsp. dr mustard

1 cup ketchup

2 tbsp. worcestire sauce

2 tbsp. maple syrup (optional)
1/2 cup brown sugar

Soak 2 cups navy beans in water overnight.

Drain and rinse.

Preheat oven to 325 degrees.

Place beans in lidded casserole dish.

If using guanciale or bacon give it a quick sear on skin and flesh side in small saute pan.

Remove pork from pan reserving rendered fat.

Add diced onion to saute pan and saute for a couple of minutes.

Chop guanciale, bacon, salt pork into small dice.

Sprinkle sauteed onion and pork over beans.

*Mix remaining ingredients together to form sauce.

Pour sauce over top of beans.

Add enough boiling water to completely cover beans and sauce.

Place dish in oven and cook for 3-4 hours.

Be sure to check on the beans often (every 20 minutes to 1/2 hour.) As the level of liquid decreases add more water or more sauce (see note below) to your liking.

*I started the cooking process with 1/2 the amount of sauce and added the rest near the end of the cooking time in order to create a very strong flavour.

Jalapeno and Cheddar Cornbread

1 1/4 cups yellow cornmeal

3/4 cup all purpose flour

3 tsp baking powder

1/2 tsp baking soda

1 tsp salt

3 1/2 tbsp sugar

1/4 to 1/2 cup jalapeno finely diced (depending on how much heat you want)

4 oz. (1 cup) shredded cheddar cheese (or blend of other cheeses)

1 1/4 cups buttermilk

2 large eggs

6 tbsp. melted butter

Preheat oven to 400 degrees.

Mix together dry ingredients.

Stir in jalapenos and cheese.

In a separate bowl whisk together wet ingredients (buttermilk, eggs, butter.)

Stir dry ingredients in to wet just until well moistened (don't overwork the batter.)

Pour batter into greased, heavy 9" baking dish (preferably cast iron or glass - the heavier the dish the better.)

Bake for 30-35 minutes (until golden brown on top.)